Upside Down Pears

Holy off the diet, Batman!!!

2012-01-30T09:57:00.000-06:00

Welp, you probably guessed it from the title, but this weekend was BAD as far as health was concerned. I've been taking a break to rest my shin so that I can run and not feel like dying every day. It was going alright but this weekend, I pretty much undid all the work I had put in last week by eating like a crazy person!

It was just too easy to say okay to Mexican food, and fatty fatty goodness. While it tasted good, it was fleeting and I'm regretting not being harder on myself this morning. But, the good thing about life is that it keeps going and today is a new day. One in which I can re-commit myself to be a healthier, happier me and quit eating like the old me.

Here's to a week of healthy choices and good exercise! Hope yours is the same!

"For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza! "
Jay Leno

I don't want to be just AVERAGE!

Dear Caffeine,

2012-01-25T10:53:00.000-06:00

I'm over you. I thought you were great, and we were friends for so long. We had a love hate relationship really, but in the end I think the hate won out and now, I want nothing to do with you.

You see, I think you might have been responsible for a lot of my anxiety. And I think you might have been responsible for my daily headaches. And maybe even my restless nights. If you were a lover, I would have broken up with you a long time ago. But you were more than that, you were my morning hello and my lunchtime pal. We shared so many moments together it was hard to finally decide to cut you loose. But, I have. I thought I'd be sad and want to cry all the time because I'd be tired or irritable. But it turns out, you might have been causing those things too.

Oh caffeine, if only you'd been a better friend. Shown me some real benefits to remaining friends, perhaps we could have had more. For now, I'm glad you're out of my life. I feel a million times better and my water consumption is through the roof. Thanks for the memories, but don't let the door hit ya on the way out!

Sincerely,
tiffytrox

PS for a serious article on the effects of caffeine, click here.

Runnnning Runnnnnning..

2012-01-23T10:14:00.000-06:00

So, I'm not going to lie. I'm not a big fan of running. But in high school, I was decent at it and it kept me in pretty good shape. So, in the spirit of getting in shape and living a better life, I've been running, with the intention of running a 5k on April 15th.

Yesterday, I pushed myself harder than I have because I really need to start getting some mileage in. I was really proud of myself and felt great! However, I have this annoying pain in my shins that I can't shake! It's aggravating because today, my shins are SCREAMING at me if I step the wrong way or if they stretch too far. It's frustrating but it's also a great little reminder that I'm working towards a goal. And that is super exciting!

I was wanting to write a post about my spiritual journey these past few months, but it's not playing out the way that I had hoped. Maybe later this week!

OH! And on the caffeine front, things are going really well! I haven't had any in about 2 weeks and I'm feeling great!! (minus some allergies but I don't think you can really blame that on the lack of caffeine!)

"If you run, you are a runner. It doesn't matter how fast or how far. It doesn't matter if today is your first day or if you've been running for twenty years. There is not test to pass, no license to earn, no membership card to get. You just run."
-John Bingham

Stair what??

2012-01-17T16:11:00.000-06:00

Ha, that doesn't even sound like "Say what" but it's funny to me.

So in this episode of trying not to be a fat ass, we are learning to take the stairs! I know, I know, a lot of people take the stairs all the time. And that's great. I however, do not. I like going UP in the elevator. I'll walk down the stairs all day long, but UP, not so much.

Soooo this week I've decided that I will begin taking the stairs when the opportunity presents itself. Which is mostly at work. YAY!

"A man's health can be judged by which he takes two at a time - pills or stairs."
- Joan Welsh

For some dieting crap updates..

2012-01-12T10:17:00.000-06:00

Right, so another big change that I made this week includes giving up caffeine. Typically, I got my caffeine from a Diet. Dr.Pepper in the mornings. But this week, I opted to give it up.

I know that there's "no harm" in drinking diet sodas because they are after all, zero calories. But I just don't think that it's all that great to be consuming caffeine. I could be totally wrong, but I'm going to go without it for a while and see how I feel!

What have you guys done this year in an effort to be healthier?


I just love this....

It's about planting trees....

2012-01-12T07:59:00.000-06:00

I have to brag about my good friend Janet. You see, a few years ago, I noticed a quote on her blog that said:

"The true meaning of life is to plant trees, under whose shade you do not expect to sit" by Nelson Henderson

When I first read it, I thought "Wow, that's a pretty cool quote" but as the meaning sunk in and the words really came to mean something to me, I decided that it was the approach I wanted to take in my life. I wanted to strive for a life that is selfless and one in which I give more than I take. I want to plant trees for others, regardless of what the result is for me.

But, that's not the point of this post. It's to brag about Janet, remember?

So, I'm amazed by her every day, which I think I've already told most of you, but...she posted pictures of her soon to be here baby boy's room and one of the things she made for his room is a painting that reads:
"Plant trees under whose shade you do not expect to sit"

She placed it in the room because she wants him to grow up with a sense of selflessness and charity and what better way than to keep such profound words in his room?

When I finally take the steps to start becoming a parent, I hope that I remain as level headed and grounded as she is and that I can keep some of the same principles in mind while preparing for my kiddo.

Here's to you Janet. You are an incredible person and I am so lucky to count you as my friend.

"The true meaning of life is to plant tress, under whose shade you do not expect to sit."
- Nelson Henderson

Human Trafficking Awareness Day

2012-01-11T07:54:00.000-06:00

Today, on the way into work, I heard the announcement that today is "Human Trafficking Awareness Day". My first thought was, "That doens't happen here.:" And then I thought about how naive that thought was. Seriously, there are so many things going on in the world that I'm almost positive it is happening here, in the United States.

The station referenced a website, Traffick911 and it confirmed that human trafficking knows no boundaries and in fact, the United States has a large market for slaves. SLAVES. in the UNITED STATES. It blows my mind.

I don't know much about human trafficking other than it happens, but I'm going to use today to learn more about it. To gain knowledge and find out ways that I can help. Because no child should have their innocence stolen. Humans are not property. And it honestly breaks my heart that in the year 2012, we are still treating them as if they are.

Okay blog...we're gonna lose some weight!

2012-01-09T12:26:00.000-06:00

I know that I probably said this last year, or in the past few months, but I REALLY TRULY MEAN IT NOW!
I'm serious. Please take me seriously! I had this terrifying dream where I was one of those people that had to be airlifted out of their room so they could go to the doctor and it scared the bejeebus out of me. I don't want to be an airliftable only person! Plus, as we get closer to deciding we might maybe try the whole baby making thing, the last thing I want is to be the fat mom who can't chase after her kids when they kick her in the knee and run away.

So, although this should have started last week but didn't because a nasty - I hope it's the only one I get - virus literally kicked my ass into bed for 5 days, it's starting today. Today, January 9, 2012. The day I take back my body and make it healthier. I don't really care about overall pounds lost, I just want to be happy with my body and who I am. I want to feel like I look great instead of thinking "OMG! Look at you!" So, here's to you my faithful few, I'm hoping you keep me in line and help me whip into shape.

One of the things that is going to help, is agreeing to run a 5k (without stopping) with my co-worker. Neither one of us are really runners, so it's going to be a challenge for both of us. I know, you're thinking, 5k? No prob! But for she and I it will be a nice goal to work towards. Our boss is actually running a 1/2 marathon in April, so we're going to hitch our wagons to his enthusiasm and run the 5k on the same day. So, yep, that's 90 days to get up to 3.2 miles (Or whatever it is). I think we can totally do it and I'm excited about running! YAY!

(In two weeks I'll probably curse myself for writing that, but for today, it's good for me!)

So good luck to you and whatever challenges you may take on going into this year! Here's shooting for a very happy, and very healthy 2012!

"Strive for progress, not perfection!"

My birth plan...(and NO I'm not pregnant)

2011-12-28T13:32:00.000-06:00

So I was chatting with my bfffff about her birth plan...she's due in about 14 days and we're spending New Year's Eve together so we've been chatting back and forth all day. We got to her birth plan and she told me:

"I made my "birth plan" which is pretty much four bullet points centering around how I have no objection to pain medication of any sort and the sooner the better for an epidural ahhahah!"

Which of course made perfect sense to me! Why do you need several bullet points on a list when the options are really quite simple?

So here is my (future) birth plan:

Drug me
For the love of God don't go down there!
Get the baby out!
Drug me

I think it's a pretty comprehensive list of what should be going on that day. Of course, I'll probably be one of those freak of natures who totally changes her mind and decides to go the hippy route by having my baby in water or something.

Anywho....happy birth planning baby mamas to be!

And in case you want to take yours a little bit more seriously, you can find some good info here.

"I'll be like, 'Epidural, please!' ... I don't want to go through the pain".
-Britney Spears

Best. Christmas. Present. Ever!

2011-12-24T17:51:00.000-06:00

that's what baby curly hair looks like!!!

Yesterday, at about 2:00PM, my sweet little niece, Sofia Elizabeth made her entrance into this world, butt first!!!

My sister had been in the hospital for a few days, due to some high blood pressure, and was basically on bed rest at the hospital. On Thursday, we thought we might get a new addition because they were talking about inducing her. However, that wasn't meant to be. Friday morning though, her blood pressure continued to be high, and they decided to induce. After several hours of contractions and pain, her water finally broke and the doc was able to see that Sofia was "frank breech" basically meaning she was in the pike position. So, they decided to do an emergency c section to get her out of there.

After what felt like forever she was finally here! We got to see her for about 1 minute before they carted her off to the NICU. (She was 5 1/2 weeks early!!)

Today, she is off the oxygen mask that they had her on, and she is eating little by little. She's getting so much stronger every day and everyone keeps talking about how strong she is and how determined she is to get out of the NICU. We're hoping she'll be home in less than 7 days!!!

Thanks to all of my family's extended family, friends, and loved ones, and those who have been praying and sending positive thoughts to my sister, brother in law, and sweet little Sofia. I know they are keeping her strong and helping her climb these hills!!!

Happy birthday and Merry First Christmas my sweet pea!!!

Sharing is Caring

2011-12-21T10:53:00.000-06:00

So if you follow me on G+ or on Facebook, then you've already seen this, but I wanted to share it here too because I've talked openly about my beliefs and my depression, and well, it just seems right.

This video was made by the employees of Disney in support of The Trevor Project.
While the Trevor Project focuses on keeping young LGBT kids from spiraling into depression and committing suicide, the message is still great. I mean, who hasn't been picked on or made fun of?

Here's the video:

I'm not gay, so I've never had to deal with the kind of bullying that some people have. And for the most part, I'm fairly normal. I didn't get harassed in school and I was pretty much an average developing kid. But, I do battle depression on a daily basis. And I can't even begin to imagine what if must feel like to already be battling something like depression and then have to deal with something like being bullied. It breaks my heart that in the year 2011, we still can't accept people for who they are. I really loved what the one guy said when he said that we are all exactly who we are supposed to be, who we were intended to be.

This holiday season, I encourage you to be a voice for kids that might feel like the world is crashing down on them. Whether it's because of their sexual preferences, or because there's something slightly different about them. You never know when you might be the voice that saves them.

I know I posted about organizations that I support and encourage you to think about supporting, but I didn't include this one. The Human Rights Campaign. Because at the end of the day, whether I kiss my husband or my wife, I'm still human. And so are you.

Happy holidays!!!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.....

2011-12-16T13:39:00.000-06:00

Welp, it's December 16. Which means that Christmas Day is just around the corner. Which is great, because Christmas is one of my favorite holidays! Why? I have no idea. It's not like I'm selfish and want a million presents from those who love me...it's more that Christmas has this unique feel to it. Everything just seems different on Christmas day. It's like the world is refreshed and good things are going to happen!

My friend shared this quote with me and I think it's great. I'm going to apply it to 2012.

May you never forget what is worth remembering...
or remember what is best forgotten....

The difference a dollar can make....

2011-12-02T12:03:00.000-06:00

Each year, I try very hard to remain vigilent about donating to various charities. The reason for this is because I desperately believe in helping others and in fighting for a good cause. Sometimes, someone asks me to donate and I'm more than happy to. Other times, I do research on my own and find the appropriate place for my funds.

This year was a little more crazy with working on the well for my nephew, I haven't donated to as many places as I would have liked....so, I'm doing some research.

Yesterday was World AIDS Day. When I was younger, I was passionate about finding a cure for AIDS. Somewhere in my adulthood, that dropped off. I'm going to be passionate about supporting AIDS research again. Here are some suggestions for AIDS charities you might consider supporting.

I've been a long time supporter of the North Texas Food Bank. The saying is that $1 feeds 3 people...I'm guessing they run very efficiently because I know that I sure as heck can't feed people on $1!

I've also donated to the American Cancer Society, the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and various other cancer organizations throughout the years. This November, I convinced 5 guys to to grow out their facial hair in the name of raising money for cancer research. It went really well and was loads of fun! (For me, mostly). They have decided to donate the funds to the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network because we have a co-worker who is suffering through the aftermaths of pancreatic cancer right now.

I'm not saying all of this to say "look at me, I'm so great". I'm saying it so that maybe you'll be compelled to donate what you can too. Go forth and find something you're passionate about!

I recommend Charity Navigator for helping judging which ones are worthy of your time and efforts.

M B A

2011-11-29T16:26:00.000-06:00

Soooo it's finally official official....I got my diploma in the mail! I can put those three little letters after my name (if I so choose) MBA...woot woot!!

I haven't decided if I will or not...my co-worker said that I should because I worked hard for it, and I did, but I just don't know. I don't really know anyone who does it...doens't mean that I shouldn't though!

Not much else is going on....I've got two baby showers to go to in the next two weeks and I've been busy making things for those. One of them I'm co-hosting because it happens to be my sister, but there's plenty of help for that one.

The other one is for one of my favorite people and I've had fun getting things together for it! I'm going to have to give an IOU though because I wasn't able to do as much as I wanted to!

Here's hoping for some fun!!! I'm also going to Charleston this weekend...just for two days, but should be fun!

Woot woot! Hope all is well bloggerverse.

Woot Woot!!! New Developments!!!!

2011-11-17T07:45:00.000-06:00

Things are going pretty okay for me lately and things are also suppppper busy!

However, I can now mark something off my bucket list (and it's totally nerdy, so brace yourself) I finished my MBA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, it requires that many exclamation points. I turned in my final projects on Tuesday and found out that I received A's on both of them last night. I may or may not have done a little graduation dance in my kitchen! It's insane. It took me two full years because working full time and going to school is hard stuff! (props to those of you who did it in undergrad!)

of course it's going to be WAY MORE awesome than this because it's an actual diploma, but you get the point

The holidays are coming up and I love this time of year so that's fantastic as well.

All in all, not much to complain about here. Days are still tough without my friend Jim, and I have random break downs on a somewhat regular basis, but it's getting easier to face Wednesday nights without him and that's comforting.

So, go out there, cross things off your bucket list, friends!!! It's exhilarating!

xoxo

November is all about giving thanks....

2011-11-09T12:28:00.000-06:00

So, a lot of people are using this month and each day within this month to list what they are thankful for.

My blog has been slightly Debby Downer this month so I thought I'd go ahead and list out what I've come up with these past 9 days.

Here it is:

This song: By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North
My niece's karate kick through the belly of my very pregnant sister and into my hand!
My friend who very lovingly guided me through my panic attacks
Seat warmers! And laughter!
A very special lady who takes time to put others first
New life!!!
Good friends who you can watch sporting events with!
My hubby and downtime made for relaxing with him
My co-workers

That's it! All 9 days written down in a nice, little note!

What are you guys thankful for this month?

He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has. ~Epictetus

It's never easy to lose the ones you love...

2011-11-08T13:50:00.000-06:00

Lately, I've been missing my friend Jim more than I'd probably like to admit. I pretend like every day is fine and I can get through most days without thinking about him too much, but I can't.

There are too many constant reminders. Thinks he used to say or do or meetings that we used to attend together. I know that it's all part of the healing process, but it sure doesn't make it hurt any less.

And I've really been missing my friend Hilary. We had a "break-up" of sorts. And I know it was probably for the best, but here lately, I've just wanted to call her and say "I miss you." Or did you see that stupid commercial? I've just wanted to hear her say something silly and make me laugh because I've so desperately needed a laugh these past few weeks. But, I also know, that I was honest with her. And I said things that I can't take back, nor do I want to. It would have been great if we could have worked things out, but sometimes, things in life simply aren't meant to be.

But it's still hard to lose the ones you love...whether it's a passing in this life or a break-up that was inevitable, it's not easy to say good-bye to the ones who had such a prominent role in our lives.

As for Jim, I hope he's found peace and happiness on the other side. As for Hilary, I just pray that she's happy and healthy. Because, regardless of whatever happened between us, she's an amazing person and she deserves that.

What's that one saying....if you love something you should set it free and if it loved you, it'll come back again....or something like that. Pretend I'm wise and eloquent.

Holy panic attack, Batman!

2011-10-31T08:50:00.000-05:00

Soooo last week was not so great. It started out like any other normal week, but about Wednesday, things took a very dramatic turn for the anxious.

Wednesday, during my workout, I started feeling like my heart was beating more rapidly then it normally did and I just wasn't feeling that awesome. Overall, I felt like something was wrong. I wasn't sure what and thought it might have to do with the fact that I had a 5 hour energy that day and had stayed up late the night before. But, I'd had 5 hour energies before and never had this kind of reaction. Plus, according to the pint sized bottle, it's equivalent to 1 cup of coffee...so that didn't make any sense.

Wednesday night was just off. I just didn't feel right though I couldn't pinpoint what was wrong exactly. When I tried to go to bed, I felt like my entire body had restless leg syndrome. I COULD NOT get to sleep. I spent about 2 hours tossing and turning and sitting up and trying to take 10 deep breaths. I knew something was wrong when I couldn't get past 3 or 4 deep breaths. Finally, my hubby came in the bedroom, expecting me to be asleep, and was shocked to see me sitting up on the side of the bed. He asked what was wrong and I explained everything to him. His suggestion was to lie down together and him put pressure on me by squeezing me tight. I like to think it was kind of like this. The pressure helped ease the tension in my body and I was able to fall asleep.

The next morning, I woke up thinking that everything was great. But, I was still feeling more anxious than normal. But, by about 8:30 I knew that was not the case. I was tense. I was panicked and I knew that I was having a repeat of the night before. I texted a friend who happens to be a therapist and she called me and talked me through the worst of the attack. She encouraged me to call the doctor, which was already on my list, so that I could get a pill for the severe anxiety that I was clearly experiencing. So, I did and a quick visit to the doctor and the pharmacist took away the worst of the anxiety.

The thing that sucked the most about these two incidents is that I hadn't had a panic attack in so long that I was absolutely terrified. The anxiety took hold of me and my fear of the situation and what was happening to my body was off the charts. The worst part? I don't even know what triggered the attacks. Granted, most people can't pinpoint their anxiety to one situation or another, it's more of an overall anxious feeling, but it was absolutely debiliitating. If it wasn't the anxiety and panic making it impossible for me to function, it was the shear terror combined with not having any control over my thoughts or feelings.

Yup, last week was tough. But the weekend proved to be better and was somewhat low key resulting in a panic attack free weekend. Hopefully, that's the new trend.

Thank goodness for a hubby who "thundershirts"

Just one of those days...

2011-10-17T13:33:00.000-05:00

See the thing about depression is this: some days are significantly harder than others no matter what you do.
Today is one of those days.

All in all, it's actually been a pretty good day. I got up relatively on time. Have eaten really well today and just got in a kick ass work out that could have knocked me on my ass, but I didn't let it. Overall, I should be swimming in happiness. But I'm not. And it's not something that I can necessarily put my finger on. Instead, it's just an "off" feeling.

I woke up missing my friend Preston for who knows why. I had a dream that I had forgotten he was gone and then his sister had to call and remind me. I've had dreams about him before that didn't necessarily result in my missing him even more, but this morning was different. And then I started thinking about my friend Jim. And that made it even harder.

But that's happened before and hasn't necessarily triggered an increase in my depressed state. Today is just off.

To top it all off, I've been feeling extra tired lately. And of course, exhaustion can cause depression. But depression can cause exhaustion. So it's hard to tell which came first. It's the chicken and egg conundrum if you will....hard to tell which came first...

Through all of this, there is one that I know undeniably and that is that there will be another day after today and it probably won't be an off day. It'll probably be a normal, happy day. So, it's just a matter of getting through today, feeling a little off and making it through. Hour by hour, day by day.

"Some days are for living. Others are for getting through"
Malcolm S Forbes

Sparta what???????????

2011-10-14T09:24:00.000-05:00

I'm working out again. It sucks. I'm sore. I've been using the handicapped stall at work so I can literally just fall down on the toilet....

But, since I am having so much fun I thought I would share some of the work outs with you guys. I know, I'm so super generous. It's insane.

The first one came out in 2010 I believe and it's what we call "Spartacus". Actually, Men's Health calls it Spartacus so it's not really a name we gave it. Anyway, you can find it here. And a PDF version here for you to print.

The second one is a revamp of the original Spartacus and is appropriately dubbed Spartacus 2.0. I haven't done this one yet but am doing it later today. I'll let you know how bad it sucks.

You can find it here. And a PDF version for you to print here.

So, try it out. You never know what kind of body might be waiting for you around the corner. When I am successful at shedding all this extra poundage and getting back to Tiffany circa age 18, I'll share my success story with you. Until then, use your imagination.

Happy endorphins! Maybe one day we'll all look like this:

I mean, I could go for less abs on me, personally. But if the hubs started rocking this bod, I would not be sad. :)

Umm, I can't feel my legs....

2011-10-05T13:56:00.000-05:00

So this is me.....attempting to be healthier and not be pregnant (which would be counter productive to healthy) and work out more consistently and possibly lose some weight in the process. The goal of course is to be healthier overall, the weight loss is hopefully the bonus.

So....Monday....I ran. I'm working with my boss who is helping me find the right workout routine and it's been good so far, except really hard. Monday I did interval running. Basically, I warmed up for jogging for 5 minutes. Then (on the treadmill of course) I bumped it up to 6 (faster if you're more in shape than me). Ran at 6 for 1 minute. Then down to 5, then down to 4, for one minute each. Then back up to 6 and repeat the cycle. The goal was 25 minutes. I made it 22 before I thought my heart was going to explode. And I may or may not have taken a few 30 second breathers because I was so out of breath I felt like flying off the treadmill.

But, the point is, I did it. I got in 22 minutes of mostly solid running. It was a good step in the right direction.

Tuesday - stomach bug. You don't want to know the details.

Wednesday...supposed to work out with friends but they are both at home with or recovering from said stomach bug. Went to boss to get game plan. He says SPARTACUS 11:00 AM be there.

Let me just tell you...I've done this before. Like 2 times because, it's not easy. there's no breaks and you have to keep going for 60 second intervals. It's hard. The thought of doing it the day after having a stomach bug that about ripped my insides out.. ~~exciting~~ nauseating. But, the good news my sweet blog followers I DID IT. I didn't make it through 3 rounds like everyone else, but I did push it till it hurt in 2 rounds and that my friends, is something I am proud of.

If you're looking for a good circuit workout --- give it a try. It's hard. And there are definitely ways to make it harder...up your weights..modify the movements to make them more intense.

Here's hoping I can walk tomorrow because I'm kind of already having a hard time feeling my legs....

"The Greeks understood that mind and body must develop in harmonious proportions to produce a creative intelligence. And so did the most brilliant intelligence of our earliest days - Thomas Jefferson - when he said, not less than two hours a day should be devoted to exercise. If the man who wrote the Declaration of Independence, was Secretary of State, and twice President, could give it two hours, our children can give it ten or fifteen minutes. (Address to the National Football Foundations, 5 Dec 1961)"
- John F Kennedy

Check this out...

2011-10-01T10:00:00.006-05:00

I just wanted to post something funny to go along with the depression post.

I think it's funny that the most hits on my blog come from the fat baby mouse post....

apparently including "fat baby mouse" and "hamstermouse" in your tag lines really helps!!

ha ha ha ha you people really need to start searching for better things!!!

A little thing called depression....

2011-09-30T13:42:00.000-05:00

So Dooce's post here made me think about my depression and what it's been like these past few months. Typically, when things get tougher in my life, and my energy gets stripped away, my depression wavers and gets a little bit worse. Lately, though, that hasn't really been the case.

Instead, things have been pretty even kelter and not much has been happening. Overall, I've been able to focus on the positives in my life and have put my attention towards those instead of getting "down in the dumps." But her post made me realize that while the seasons don't necessarily affect me in the same way they do some, my depression definitely takes the course of ugly monster for no reason whatsoever.

I know that some people get into ruts where they feel more depressed on a regular basis during certain times of the year or months of their lives. Mine is slightly more random than that. As in, I'll wake up one day feeling 1,000x worse than the day before and have no good reason for why. I could say "Oh, I just slept on the wrong side of the bed. Ha ha." But, the truth is, I know that it's more than that. I know that it's more about the fact that my mind is a beautiful monster that rears it's ugly side sometimes and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. Sure, I can force myself about of bed and force myself to get through the day, but that's about it. And even then, I can act happy and cheerful, but there's still this dark cloud of gloom that hangs over my head. And there's no reason for it other than that's the way my body is feeling that day. It sucks.

The good news in all of this? Depression is getting easier to talk about. And by getting easier to talk about I mean that it's becoming more accepted and people are realizing that being affected by depression the same as having, say diabetes. It's a disease. It happens. To more people than most realize, I would dare to say.

So if you know someone who is depressed, then reach out to them. Let them know that if they need to talk (even if it doesn't make any sense to you) that you're available and willing to give them an ear. It might be a complete nonsense rambling session, but at least you're letting them talk about it. Because honestly, pretending like it doesn't exist or is taboo is just dumb in 2011. And it's almost 2012. Time to get out of our closets and talk about things that happen to real people.

I'm here to help too. If you're reading this and you want to chat, leave a comment and I'll get in touch with you. There are better days. This is not the worst day just because it's not the best.

Hang in there buttercups!

They say that breaking up is hard to do....

2011-09-28T11:41:00.000-05:00

Recently, my life has been all sorts of turmoil. There have been more hard days than easy and the situations I and my family have been going through have been extremely difficult. Through all of it though, I've gained some really good perspective about who my friends are and which ones are necessary in my life. And I've figured out that some relationships have run their course and are fizzling out.

It's been a really hard realization to come to because it's not easy to remove people from your life. Especially people whom you've cared about deeply and shared so many memories with. But, at the same time, the one thing I have learned and experienced over and over again these past few months, and years, is that life is entirely too short to live unhappy or with friendships that don't provide the nourishment and balance that you need in your life.

It's sad to me because looking back there have been some amazing memories and times with some of these friends, but then, at the same time, there's been some incredibly hard times as well. Particularly times when things were really hard for me and I didn't feel like I could call on them for help or support.

I've made the decision to be more committed to my friends and family and I don't think I could have done it without evaluating the friendships in my life and finding the friends that are worth keeping. The ones that have truly been there for me when I needed them, whether it was just an email offering guidance or an offering to meet up and discuss the current woes in my life.

I know that friendships can't be the same as they were when we were 4. I know that they take work. But I also know that one person shouldn't feel like they're putting in all the work. Life is better spent with fulfilling relationships that help us grow, and learn. Not ones that cause us to worry and suffer. It's just not worth it. Not at this point in our lives. Growing up really sucks.

I'll leave you with the Beatles. This song has always rang true for me, but more so today and than other....

In My Life by the Beatles.

"there are places I remember, all my life, though have some changed.... some forever not for better, some are gone, and some remain. all these places had their moments, with lovers and friends, I still can recall. Some are dead and some are living...In my live, I've loved them all"

Work it out!!!!!

2011-09-26T15:35:00.000-05:00

first, that was the safest "work out" picture I could find on google! INSANE!

Second -- I need a new work out routine. Here's the gist of why....

I dont do well on my own. Sure, I know HOW to work out and what is good, but I need something that tells me do this on day one and this on day two. I need something fun and exciting or else I'm just going to do the treadmill for a few days and then give up.
I know what 20 year old Tiffany would do, but I don't know what 27 year old Tiffany needs or wants to do....so it's just bringing me down.
I need routine. I'm better with routine. If I have something that is repeatable and fun, then I'll go further with it than just something that I come up with.
Preferably, I'd like for it be like a 30 day challenge or something so that I can look at it and kick it's ass!

So yeah, I need some routine. Any thoughts on what would work? I've tried some of the videos but haven't gotten too committed to them to date. Partly because I don't own them probably.

"Too many people confine their exercise to jumping to conclusions, running up bills, stretching the truth, bending over backward, lying down on the job, sidestepping responsibility and pushing their luck"

Blogiversary (albeit a few months away) Goals

2011-09-23T16:51:00.001-05:00

"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day."

~Elwyn Brooks White

I've almost had this blog for 4 years...January 30, 2012 will be my 4 year blogiversary as it were. I was trying to think of something to write today and I couldn't decide where I should go with this, so I decided to think of what I want to put of more on my blog and what I'd like to write less of.

Here is my quick, off the top of my head list.

More photography.

I love photography. Like LOVE it and I don't devote nearly enough time to taking pictures and posting them on my blog. I've done mostly landscapey stuff, which is all well and good, but I want more adventure pictures. I want to drive around and take road trips and add pictures of the wild and crazy things that I find along the way. Here's hoping that in year 4 of my blog we start seeing some of that!!

More everyday life lessons.
I had a guy tell me this week that if you go through a day and don't learn something then you're not very smart. And I think that's so true. I mean, look at all the really great people from our history...they continuously learned, no matter what age, and no matter what was happening in their lives. I read a lot and I learn a good deal of information that way, but I want to start documenting the things that I learn on a more regular basis. Even if they're really dumb and don't make sense to most people, I want to remember the things I learn and be a life-learner, not just an educated person.

More excitement!
Lately the blog has been kind of down in the dumps. Which, granted, the blog usually takes on whatever mood my life is having, but I'd like for it to be a little more exciting and a little less gloomy. So, I'm going to try and find things that are more interesting to put on here!

Less of a therapy session.

This ties in with the one above. Often times, I use this blog to let out some steam and to vent about the various ongoings in my life. I think that often times though it's like a message to the world that I'm suffering or hurting or feeling depressed. While I think that getting those things out is very important, I'm not so sure it has to be done on my blog. in public. So, I'm going to steer away from using this blog as my therapy and find another way to find that peace in my life.

These are just a few of the things that have been rattling around in my brain, but here's hoping I get back on a more regular blog posting schedule and that it's more fun for both of us!

"Just living is not enough. One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower."

~Hans Christian Anderson

NEW NIECELETTE! NEW NIECELETTE!!!

2011-09-19T13:30:00.000-05:00

mmmkay, so my sis is having a baby girl in January and I'm so super excited! I love babies, but I really love baby girls!!!

I just bought her these shoes, and I thought my blog could use a little perking up, so I'm sharing them with you.

So hurry up niecelette! I want you to wear these already!!!

Final Goodbyes

2011-09-18T10:21:00.000-05:00

my "dad" playing washers 7/4/11

Friday afternoon, we held a service for my friend Jim. Never in my wildest dreams would I think that at this point in my life, I would be standing up in front of hundreds of people, saying goodbye to one of my most treasured friends. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Part of the difficulty was coming up with the right things to say about my friend. I didn't want to short change him, and I didn't want to be too long winded. I wanted it to be the perfect length and the perfect message. I wrote about 12 different versions and opted for a shorter one because I knew that I was barely going to make it through. The first speaker did an amazing job. She talked about her time with Jim and the young children of the church. She talked about how Jim would care for the children of his Sunday School class from the time they were 4 and on. And how he treasured them the rest of their lives.

I was second but I'll skip my speech to tell you about the other 3. Jim's friend Frank got up and did an amazing job sending off his best friend. He talked about the talent show act they had done for so many years. And he talked about the fun stuff, the trips to the river, the washer tournaments, and how Jim was truly a brother to him. He was followed by Jim's son Chris who did such an awesome job, I was in awe. He eloquently described his dad to a "t" and gave such a heart felt speech it was hard not to bawl. Chris was followed by another long time friend, Rick. Rick and Jim were long time friends and skiers and they often skied just the two of them (while their wives stayed in and slept or shopped :) ) They would have long conversations about life and everything in between on the mountaintops in Lake Tahoe. He spoke of what Jim would want us to remember even though we're all going to miss him so very much. He started with a poem that resonated with me because it's so very true. (I'm not too happy with her website, but you can find it here.) It essentially talks about living the "dash" between your birth date and your date of death on your tombstone. It's a wonderful poem.

My speech was second, as I said. I had practiced it a million times and knew the words forwards and backwards. I thought for sure I would be able to get up in the pulpit, and say it without sobbing and without falling apart. I have never been more wrong in my life. I cried the entire time. I would try to stop and then would get to another part of the speech and cry some more. I felt terrible because it was not the tribute I wanted to give, but I simply could not stand reading the final words of my great friend. I was heartbroken. Luckily, everyone seemed to have received it well and complimented me on my speech, but I wish I could have cried a little less and smiled a little bit more.

I am honored and thankful that I was asked to speak at his service. And I'm proud of myself for doing it. I am terribly saddened by the fact that I said my final words of goodbye to my "adopted dad" on Friday, but I know I'll still speak to him and feel his presence throughout my life. I'll miss him terribly, but he'll always be with me because I was lucky enough to make a lifetime of memories with him.

I used this quote when Preston passed away and it's still true today. I read it often and remember the goo instead of the bad.

"...when you are sorrowful look again to your heart, and you shall see that in truth, you are weeping for that which has been your delight."
-Kahlil Gibran

Rest in peace my love. I'll be seeing you.

How do you sum up an amazing man?

2011-09-13T11:43:00.000-05:00

My friend Jim passed away on Sunday at about 12:20AM. I'm heartbroken, but at peace because I know that he would never have been the same had he ever gotten out of the hospital and I know that he hated every minute of being intubated and sedated, lying in a hospital bed.

His wife has asked me to speak at his service. Which is an amazing honor and one I will not take lightly, but I'm having a really hard time summing up what he meant to me. He was my mentor. My "adopted dad". And my friend. And for 23 years of my life he played such a big role that trimming it down to just 5 or 10 minutes seems to be an injustice. But, at the same time, I know that he would hate for me to get up there and dote on him for 30 minutes!

It's weird. You know, when people are living, we hardly ever think about what we would say about them if they passed. And then when we're gone, it's like we can't find the right words. Guess that's kind of the bitterness of death. You always feel like you could have enjoyed a moment with them a little bit more, stayed in that moment a little bit longer, or found the words to tell them what they meant to you before they were gone.

Luckily, I know that Jim loved me and he knew how much I loved him. That's something he taught me: ;love is the greatest gift and we should share it with the world. So I'm going to live my life in that way - loving those around me without fail and teaching others how to love. You never know how much time you have on this earth, and living in hate is just far too difficult. But living in love? Ahh, now that's rewarding.

Rest in peace my dear sweet friend. I know I'll see you again when my life here is through. I'll miss you every day of forever.

Life doesn't always lead where you think it might...

2011-09-06T09:42:00.000-05:00

I've done a lot of soul searching these past few weeks and I've come to realize one ultimate truth: life doesn't always lead where we think it might or where we think it should.

Let me explain. There are forces at work in my life that are seriously testing me. Testing my strength, my courage, and my faith. Testing my ability to remain positive in the face of negativity. Testing the bonds in my life to both my family, my friends, and my extended church family.

Some of the realizations that I've come to, I think I've danced around before and just haven't fully committed to them. But some of them have been pleasant surprises that have made me realize how incredibly lucky I've been to have some amazing people surrounding me. I've had friends in my life step up in ways I didn't ever think they would. Friends who have simply known it was a bad day and shown up just to give me a hug or called for a lunch date to give me a hug. Friends who warm embraces have saved me on more than one occasion. The bond between us has grown so much stronger and I feel so lucky that I've gotten to know them better, albeit through one of the more difficult times in my life.

My church family has always been amazing. One person told me once that the amazing thing about a community of faith is that someone will pray for you when you no longer have the strength to pray for yourself. And it's true. I know that my church family knows how difficult it has been for me to have Jim in the hospital and going through so many bad days. But in my moments of absolute despair, I've felt something come over me. Something peaceful and calming. And I truly believe that it's their prayers coming through at a time when I need them the most.

I'm not sure what the ultimate plan is for me during this time or for my dear sweet Jim But I think part of the plan has been showing me people who are going to be more permanent fixtures in my life and people who I should be surrounding myself with. People who build my faith and strengthen my beliefs. People who have shown up to hug me when I needed the hug the most. I'm blessed to have such an amazing family and "family". I sometimes forget that because things get hard and I want to focus on those things instead, but I'm going to start making a better effort to focus on the positive things. Like the amazing people in my life who have been there for me these past few weeks.

"Families are the compass that guide us. They are the inspiration to reach great heights, and our comfort when we occasionally falter."
~ Brad Henry ~

Let it be.....

2011-09-01T08:57:00.000-05:00

Here is the most information I have on the moment about my friend Jim.

Yesterday, I went to the hospital just to check in and was planning on staying about 20 minutes. When I walked in, his wife was crying and they told me that they were in the process of re-intubating him. Apparently, yesterday had not been a good day. He had done some exercises in the morning, but between about 2:00PM and 4:00PM, he started taking a turn down a dangerous path.

He couldn't breathe and he was very confused. He has been confused for the past few days, since coming off the ventillator on Sunday. We all thought that the medicine was reacting with him and was just taking a time to leave his system and clear his mind. But yesterday, he wasn't any better. He was asking for friends to call 911 and to get him help. The thing is, physically, until yesterday afternoon, he was doing pretty well. The nurses were impressed with his improvements and felt like he was doing remarkably well for someone in his position. Other than being convinced that he wasn't doing well, he was on what seemed to be the right path.

After they intubated him again yesterday afternoon, he wasn't responding the way that they had wanted him to. He was still breathing very heavily and they couldn't get him to rest. Which is part of the reason why they went ahead and re-intubated him, to give his body some rest. So, they were working to chemically calm him down and get his numbers all back on track. He is supposed to have a tracheotomy today to allow for a breathing tube directly in his trach which would lead to less sedation and more flexibility. But, with his numbers being as bad as they were last night, they weren't sure if they were going to go through with it this morning. I'm not sure where we stand with that at this moment.

I believe that the doctors believe that he can and will make it through this rough patch. It's possible that his body just needs more time to recover from the acute onset of the IPF. (idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis). He's fighting and that's good. He hasn't been Jim since he woke up on Sunday. He's been very scared and confused and talking about death. He spoke about it before he was ventilated and that was more him. He was very calm about it and matter of fact. This Jim is almost child like.

I keep reminding myself of the Beatles song 'Let it Be'. I know that there is nothing I can do for him other than pray and support his family through this extremely difficult time. But it is so hard to see him lying there and to hear him begging you not to leave the room because he's scared. It's funny the way the mind can betray us so quickly.

Please pray for or send your positive vibes and good karma to my friend Jim. I'm going to be praying for whatever is best, even though that's not necessarily what I want to pray for. I'd much rather pray that he walks out of the hospital in the next few days and returns to the Jim I know and love so much.

"When I find myself in trouble, Mother Mary comes to me....speaking words of wisdom 'let it be'
'let it be, let it be. there will be an answer let it be'"
- The Beatles

I'm a little worn out....

2011-08-31T15:31:00.000-05:00

I've always found writing to be somewhat cathartic and this blog has been no different for me.

I'm a little worn out. I say a little because if I say a lot then I'll feel the pressure of "a lot" and then it'll be overwhelming. If I say a little then I'll feel the pressure of a "little" and it'll be easier to handle.

I feel like so many people are hurting around me and suffering and like there is nothing I can do to help. It really sucks. I know that most people would acknowledge that their friends are hurting and move on. Or maybe they wouldn't even try to talk to them about it. But, that's just not who I am. I'm hurting because I know that people I care about are hurting too. Not only that, but some of the hurting is very personal for me as well. My "adopted dad" is still in the hospital dealing with some pretty serious withdrawal symptoms from all of the medication he was on. Not only that, but he has been diagnosed with idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis which is a degenerative lung disease. Until he gets more stable in the hospital, we can't even know what level he's at.

And someone I care about deeply lost her husband. I wasn't particuarly close to him, but over the past 8 months, by serving on a committee with her, I have become very close to her. And I love her dearly.

The thing is though, I wouldn't change my life. I wouldn't change myself. Although I am hurting because people I love are hurting, when they are happy, so am I. When they are celebrating big events in their life, so am I. I feel the same amount of happiness for the good things as I do sadness for the bad things. So, it's okay. I'm going to be okay. We're all going to be okay. Someday, this will pass and it will feel like a distant memory in a crappy time in our lives. I'm not going to stop caring as much as I do or loving people as much as I do. For they are enriching my life in ways I never knew possible.

"One person caring about another represents life's greatest value."

You have to take the good with the bad...

2011-08-29T09:21:00.000-05:00

This weekend was filled with such excitement and heartache all at the same time.

A "friend" (I say "friend" because she's more like family to me) lost her husband on Friday morning. He passed in his sleep, which is a blessing, but it was unexpected. He had played golf on Tuesday and mowed the church lawn on Wednesday. While I wasn't very close to him, I do consider myself close to her. And I know that their marriage was a long, happy marriage, and that she wouldn't want anyone to be upset for her, it is still heartbreaking to hear of someone you care about losing someone they love.

In the midst of the aftermath of his passing, Jim seemed to be getting better. They were lowering his sedation so that they could determine when he would be ready to remove the ventilation tube that was stuck down his throat. They first attempted to do it on Saturday morning, but it didn't work out. He was far too agitated and annoyed by something to remain calm enough for the procedure. After lots of conversations with him, mostly telling him that he had to remain calm for them to do the procedure, and that the doctors were hopeful he would do great without it, they were able to extubate him yesterday! It was such exciting news and even more exciting when I got to the hospital and got to have a conversation with him. He told me he loved me and that he was glad the tube was out. Among a few other things. It was truly a great day.

We now know that Jim has idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis which is incurable. I'm not sure what the course of action will be going forward, or how long we'll have with him after this. But, I know that he's here for now, and I'm going to cherish every minute of time I get with him.

So, you have to take the bad and the good. No matter which way they come at you. Life is about mixing them together and it's not going to stop just because we don't like it. The bad is going to keep coming but so will the good. It's about learning to pair those together that matters.

Photography....

2011-08-25T12:59:00.001-05:00

If I had to pick a second life to lead, I would want to be a photographer. Not the kind who does like wedding photography, etc. although I'm thankful to the people who do that, I'd want to be more like national geographic great and swim with the sharks to get my pictures!

But, I'm not that kind of person. Instead, I work a stupid 8-5 job that I like on most days but would trade in a heartbeat for something more thrilling. I was going through some pictures from vacation last year and here are some of my favorites of Costa Rica.... Ahh to be there again...hopefully not during the rainy season this time!


I'm including this one to show you what my idea of "people" pics is....people do not want pictures of themselves like this! I know!

So what is the point of this post? Oh, right. To tell you, blogosphere (all 5 of you) that I want to do more with my life. I don't want to just take fun pictures of my nieces and nephews (and maybe kids some day). I want to travel and take fun pictures of the world! Or just of Texas. Shoot, that's even better than not taking any pictures!!!

So, here's hoping that after I finish my MBA (in October) I have more free time on the weekends to just get out there and drive! Stop at every hole in the wall diner I want to and just take pictures of the world out there. There's so much out there, that it's got to be more fun than this!

Plus, with the hubs going back to school....I'm going to be awfully bored on the weekends I think!

“There is only you and your camera. The limitations in your photography are in yourself, for what we see is what we are.”
-Ernest Haas

Google and Fat

2011-08-23T09:26:00.001-05:00

Okay first, I just want to say that it's a little disturbing how many Jessica Simpson pictures come up if you do a Google image search on "fat". I mean, really guys? She's not even fat! Sure, she gained a few pounds here and there, but overall, she's still pretty damn hot. I honestly couldn't believe how many pictures of her came up! Sooooo we'll be skipping a picture for this blog because obviously the internets has lost it's damn mind.

Second.....I've been a little harsh on myself these last two days but I think that I'm probably going to have to keep being harsh because I feel like (and I know deep down) that my weight is bothering me and is slightly out of control. Whew. That's hard to say out loud!!! I've known for probably a year or so that I needed to do something about my weight. That it's out of control. That I'm unhappy with the way I look and feel. But, I'm lacking the motivation. No matter how much I call myself a fat ass or tell myself that I'm overweight, I still haven't found the inspiration to go to the gym. It's actually quite lame and annoying. And I know that if I would just get there once, I'd probably feel better and feel like going back. But sadly, that hasn't happened either.

I've started calling myself out on it...if you follow me on Twitter (which you should because my comments are dumb just like this blog), then you would have seen my tweet yesterday questioning whether the guys at the gas station are checking me out because I look cute or because they're debating whether or not I can run away from them if robbed.....it made me lol. But that's the thing. It made me laugh. It didn't force me to get to the gym.

So, here's what I propose blogosphere....that I quit being so lame and hold myself accountable through you guys. I know like 5 people read this, but 5 people is more than just me, right?

Here's hoping that holding myself accountable, by talking to you guys, will help me in the whole process of not being a lard ass and being more like my old self. My cute, skinny self. Who was happier!

And if you so desire, you can find me as "tiffytrox" on Twitter. You know you want to. As long as you're not some creepy internet troll, I'll even let you follow me!

"Too many people confine their exercise to jumping to conclusions, running up bills, stretching the truth, bending over backward, lying down on the job, sidestepping responsibility and pushing their luck." Anonymous

I'm a bleeding heart

2011-08-20T17:23:00.001-05:00

I've said it before, but it was probably like 1,000 posts ago and so nobody remembers it. There is one thing about me that is both a blessing and a curse.

I'm a bleeding heart.

I'm sure the internet has tons of descriptions for what a bleeding heart is, but here is what it means to me.....and I'm not even sure why this is the definition that I have of it. I feel EVERYTHING at a level to me that is probably a little too intense for most people. I feel ecstatic more than most (if I had to guess) and it's usually about stupid things. I feel anger stronger than most of the people I know. And I feel sadness more than most people I know. It's a blessing because when someone tells me something about themselves that is good or happy, I am over the moon for them! I think it's amazing and truly celebrate their happiness. When I'm upset, sometimes, I tend to hold a grudge against people and it can some times take me a long time to forgive someone, if I ever actually do. And when my loved ones, or even myself are hurting, my heart breaks into a million little pieces for them.

I realize that I just made myself sound like a manic depressant, but that's not true. I'm not manic. It's not like I go through these emotions on a regular basis. Instead, most days are pretty evenly balanced. Normal, just like everyone else (with a few quirks).

Lately though, as someone I think of as an adoptive father to me, lays in a hospital bed, with a ventilator breathing for him, I feel like pieces of my heart are falling off every day and like eventually, my heart is going to be broken beyond repair. It absolutely kills me to see him in so much disarray and discomfort. And hearing that the doctors have no idea what exactly is wrong makes it all that much harder. I want to punch them sometimes because how can you go to medical school, make as much money as you do for knowing medical things, and not be able to fix my friend? It's ludicrous.

My heart hurts because his family is hurting. They are just as exhausted and disheveled as he is and I fear that they are on the brink of breaking. It's hard to watch someone you love lie there and know that you are completely helpless. And they do it every day, all day.

I saw him before they intubated him and it was really hard. We had a really good heart to heart about where he is, and what he hopes will happen, but also what he's ready for. He's convinced that the right plan will take it's course and that might not mean that he gets better. Which, is very hard to hear from someone you care about so deeply. I cried and cried and instead of me comforting him through such a difficult time, he was comforting me.

It's a curse to feel things so deeply because my anxiety has been off the charts these past few days and I haven't felt like doing much more than being at the hospital or lying around the house.

My thoughts are in a thousand places so if this seems to ramble, I truly apologize. I love that I feel my friends' happiness and their sadness, but feeling my own happiness and sadness so deeply is very hard for me. I much prefer the days when my emotions are more even and balanced and things are just normal. Here's hoping that my friend recovers and we all find normalcy soon.

UPDATE: My dear friend (who writes this blog FYI) sent me this email this morning. I like what she said and it reiterates what I was attempting to say in my original post anyway...so here it is:

You also have such a tendency to open your heart and become close to a lot of people, so whenever they struggle (and you have a large network of friends, so it’s like there’s always someone having a tough time) your heart breaks. :( But imagine how good that can be. What if you never opened your heart up? You’d miss out on so much. Sure, it’d break less, but you’d love less…and then, what’s the point of life? Doesn’t make the tough times easier though!

Today officially sucks.

2011-08-15T12:49:00.000-05:00

This month, as I've mentioned hasn't been nearly the month that it was supposed to be. And it has in no way compared to the super fun, carefree month that July was. In fact, it flat out sucks.

Last night, over the course of who knows how long, my sister's dog passed away. It sucks because we were holding out hope that he was going to get better and would rebound from this bout of whatever it was. But he didn't. And my sister is left feeling like he thought they abandoned him and that's why he was there all alone. When in fact it was actually because the vet's office was closed and he was hooked up to an IV. I know that some of you have children, so your pets aren't as important to you as they are to those of us who don't have children.....but, when pets are part of your family, it's terrible to have to go through the loss of them. My only hope is that his natural tendency to be overly anxious has subsided and he's finally at peace.

My friend is still in the hospital with no known cause of illness. It royally sucks. All they know is that he's still having trouble breathing although otherwise he's doing better. SUCKS.

And today, of all days, is the 1 year anniversary of my sweet friend Preston passing away. It's surreal really. Hard to believe that it's been 52 weeks, 12 months, and 365 days since he was here with us. Time goes on I suppose whether we're ready to accept it or not. It always moves forward. Funny how that happens.

Squeeze your loved ones (human and otherwise) extra tight for me today. You just never know when it might be the last squeeze.

"when you are sorrowful, look again in your heart and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight"
Kahlil Gibran

Manual labor is not for me!!

2011-08-11T15:26:00.000-05:00

This past week, an offsite office that my company owns and I basically manage moved from one floor in the building to another. Sounds like loads of fun right? You hire movers to move everything and piece of cake!

Not so. Not even close to being true. What happens is you hire movers, they move everything and then someone like me goes behind them and fixes all the loose ends and things that didn't get done right.

I went to college for a reason. I am still going to college for a reason. I can't wait to be the person who manages the person who handles this job next time. Because I am not made for manual labor. Not at all!!!!

Because of said manual labor, muscles I haven't used in forever hurt and I'm exhausted. It sucks.

Oh just a little thing called change....

2011-08-05T08:03:00.000-05:00

First though, I have to direct you to my friend Colleen's blog because her postpartum hormones crack me up...

Read this: and then tell me that you didn't laugh....because you know you did.

Okay, so on to change....yesterday was a HUGE change in my workplace. Essentially, we are reorganizing and working with a smaller balance sheet which equates to some of my friends were laid off. Which SUPER sucks. I mean, majorly sucks. Among them is the guy I consider to be my "mentor" and I love him dearly. I'm not sure what work will be like without him, but he's staying through the end of the year so that's at least better.

My sister in law started moving her things out of the house this week. I'm totally bummed because I really liked having her around. Of course she came home at crazy times and was hardly ever there, but it was nice to know that she was there when the hubs was working or doing something without me! I'm going to miss her but I know that she should be doing something more fun than living with her brother and his wife.

The hubs starts school at the end of this month...officially. He's going to try his hand at nursing school and I'm super excited for him. I think he'll be an amazing nurse and I'm anxious to see how he likes it.

As for me, I'm just putzing along. I have 2 more classes to finish my MBA (if I ever go sign up for them). So that's exciting. Not sure what the plan will be once I have it. New job with super fat paycheck? Maybe. We'll see as time passes.

Anyway, I found this quote about change and it made me think about all the changes going on in my life. Enjoy.

"He who rejects change is the architect of decay. The only human institution which rejects progress is the cemetery."

Being helpless is the hardest...

2011-08-03T15:25:00.002-05:00

I have a friend who is significantly older than me, who I've known my entire life, who is in the hospital. And as much as I want to think that my positive thinking can change the world, I'm feeling completely and utterly helpless.

It started with pneumonia (they think) and has no progressed into much more than that. He has cardiomyopathy and has had it for some time. I'm told that if the average person pumps out oxygen from their heart at 80/90%, he pumps it out at 40/45%. Something he's been able to live with but while being in the hospital, this has dropped considerably down to 20/25%.

Additionally, he's having trouble breathing. Probably started from the pneumonia but is continuing on. The pulmonologist said that his lungs have changed at some point and that might be a lifelong problem too.

It just seems like he gets better one day and then the next he spirals downward. As hard as it is to watch someone you like suffer from illness, it is 1,000 times harder to watch someone you love suffer from illness. I know he's uncomfortable in the hospital and he wants to go home. I know that he thinks he is in better shape than he really is. I know that he was probably sick for a long time before he finally went to the hospital. I hope he can pull through this without any long term problems or illnesses, but I'm just not sure.

If you're readings this, please send a positive thought or two to my friend Jim. He needs it more than you know.

Pay it forward.

“The positive thinker sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible.”

A little change goes a long way....

2011-08-02T15:49:00.000-05:00

I'm not what you would call "good with change". I don't typically handle it all that well. I like things to be in the right order and happen the same way. I like adventure and spontaneity, don't get me wrong, but big changes are hard for me stomach.

Things are changing around me at work and at home and I think it's making me a little antsy. The hubs has decided to go back to school and pursue nursing, a lifelong dream. And I'm about to finish my MBA and that's scary! What will I do with all my free time? There are also some big changes coming down the pipe at work , I fear, but can't be sure of that yet. We will all just have to wait and see before we know how to respond. Makes me nervous though! Change always turns my stomach in knots!

SO, I changed my blog around. It was fun. And it was change that I can control! :)

The hummingbird picture I took in Costa Rica. I think it's beautiful. And the colors are calming to me. :)

Hope you like it!

He who rejects change is the architect of decay. The only human institution which rejects progress is the cemetery.
~Harold Wilson

I'm in love with this blog!!!

2011-08-02T12:27:00.000-05:00

So, I've been feeling really artsy fartsy lately and I've mostly been exerting that energy by sewing and making things for my nieces and sisters. BUT I read this blog often (thanks to Colleen) and I'm absolutely in love with the clothespin light shade! And I want to make one. Like right now.

But I'm stuck at work. Plus, is there any more appropriate place than the laundry room for a clothespin chandelier? I think not.

Read about it here: and then tell me how great you think it is. Because it is.

Best. Saturday. Ever!

2011-08-01T08:14:00.000-05:00

This Saturday was jam packed with tons of stuff going on. I wasn't sure how it was all going to work out, but it did!

First, we started with a wedding party celebration for our friends who got married on Thursday. They opted for a private wedding at the JP with their moms but then had a big bash for some friends. It was awesome. I love my friend very very much and it was great to see her happy. I know that she will continue to find happiness with her now husband and I can't wait for her to pop out their soon to be baby! (In January, whatever, that's close).

We followed the wedding celebration up with a trip to her dad's house for some post party drinks and fun. It was a great time!

We hung out there for a while until we decided we needed to get home so the hubs could get some rest. BUT since it was on the way home to run by another friend's house, we decided to stop by there too.

This was super fun because my friend Colleen was there with her new baby and Janet's German exchange student is in town with her brother! It was a blast to see so many friends and family and to get to spend the day celebrating!

Happiness is my favorite so it was great!

PSSSS -- I have some pictures but haven't downloaded them off my camera yet so I'll update this when I do!

“Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence”
Aristotle

Friendships....

2011-07-29T10:41:00.001-05:00

Friendship.....

“A blessed thing it is for any man or woman to have a friend, one human soul whom we can trust utterly, who knows the best and worst of us, and who loves us in spite of all our faults.”

Some of the greatest love that I have experienced in my life has been through the amazing friendships that I've forged over the years. Last night, I spent time with some of my favorite friends and I don't think I've laughed as hard in a very, very long time.

I love this quote because it focuses not only the fact that it's easy to love our friends when they're doing all the right things. But we must also love them in their worst times as well. The bottom line is this - friends, people, make mistakes. It happens every day in almost every way imaginable. Mistakes are made. Feelings get hurt. And sometimes, it feels easier to hold a grudge or push away from your friend than it does to just talk to them about it. But being a true friend means finding a way to work through the feelings of anger and pain. And sometimes, people choose not to do that. And that's okay, but to me, they are failing as a true friend. A true friend loves no matter what happens. Even when feelings are hurt and emotions are running high. A true friend finds the will inside them to forgive you for your faults. To forget the stupid things you've done and to remember all the wonderful things you've done and been for them in the past.

The thing about friendship love is that sometimes it hurts slightly more than romantic love. I think that I expect to get into hurtful arguments with my husband. I know that there are times when he's going to say something I don't agree with or don't appreciate. Or even do something that I'd rather him not do. But I think I expect it less from my friends so when they do something that hurts, it hurts more than when he does. Awkward logic, I know but think on it.

The one thing that I know for sure is that I wouldn't make it through this life without the amazing friends that surround me on a daily basis. I am so thankful for them and can only hope that I give them a little bit of what they give me.

The sad part is when we lose friends without telling them how much we truly care for them. I've often felt that way about my friend Preston. I loved him dearly and fear I did not tell him enough how special he was to me.

To all my friends, know that you're very dear to my heart.

I feel like this quote describes the friends I was with last night. My friend Janet and my friend Joanna (they're sisters which makes it that much more fun!)

“We cannot tell the exact moment a friendship is formed; as in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses, there is at last one that makes the heart run over.”

Love continued.....young love....

2011-07-28T13:16:00.000-05:00

The more you love, the more you lose a part of you.
Yet you don't become less of who you are,
instead you end up being complete...

So I briefly commented on being in love when I was 15. I know that not everyone has been in love that young and that in fact, it was quite rare for me to find someone that I could give my whole heart to at a young age. But it happened. And I'm fully aware that most guys do not experience the same thing.

I think that guys walk through life never really knowing what love is until they're old enough to handle it and can process the feelings they are experiencing. I think for them it's more of a saying I love you rather than actually feeling the love and meaning it.

I'd like to think that my boyfriend at 15 meant that he loved me when he said it, and certainly the way that he treated me backed it up. But, there are somethings you're not meant to know in life and maybe that is one of them.

When things ended, I had met my hubs. And it was kind of a bad break-up. I was the bad person in the equation and I really felt like it for a long time. The hubs and I broke up for a while and I got to see my ex and the feelings that had always been there were there yet again. But so were the feelings of my newly ended relationship with my future hubs. It was very confusing and heartbreaking. Being 18 is a hard enough time in life, throwing in feelings of love for more than one person makes things that much harder.

So instead of dealing with all that, I pushed away from both of them. And stumbled through my young adulthood with a string of bad relationships. The difference being that my hubs was stubborn enough to wait around for me to figure it all out and my ex was not.

Now here's where the love part comes in. I think that part of my heart will always be tied to him (the ex). We remained friends for a while and though I was usually dating some random guy, I would find myself jealous of the women he was dating. Or wishing that I was dating him instead. But it never came to fruition. Then, when the hubs and I finally got back together (and knew it was meant to be), I didn't so much wish that we were together as just absolutely criticize the crap out everyone he was dating. Which, is probably why we're not friends now-- who wants a negative nancy ex-girlfriend for a friend? Not fun.

Now that I've been married for 3 years and have been back with my hubs for over 5, I know that I'm where I'm supposed to be. My love for him is absolute and I get excited about our life on a daily basis. But the part of my heart that belonged to my ex still wants to know that he's okay. It's not like a ~~creepy stalker type thing~~ overly obsessed thing. But I do find myself reading his blog to see that he's still alive and at least on the outside, seems to be doing well. I'm pretty sure that the hubs knows. If he doesn't, I'm not embarrassed by the fact that I check my ex's blog sometimes. We used to argue over me having a relationship with my ex, but I think my hubs realized that we were in fact in love and that a part of me would always care for him.

It was hard for the hubs though because he never felt the same way someone else as he did about me. So the worry and concern that he carried for me all those months and years that we were apart have never been recreated since we've been back together.

I'm not in any way saying that I don't love my husband or that I think I'm in the wrong relationship. I don't. I'm simply saying that the heart is a mysterious organ and the emotions that the heart feels (even at the ripe old age of 15) are astounding.

I'm not sure if my ex and I will ever have a friendship again. I'm not sure what that would be like. I used to hold some resentment in my heart for him for stupid things that happened between us. But I think I finally let that go. :) I will always care for him and I will continue to hope and pray for his safety and happiness.

So...part two question: do any of you have a relationship like that? Young love that didn't last but still holds a unique place in your heart?

As promised...my sweet baby niece

2011-07-27T21:33:00.000-05:00

Here are some more pics...some of them are awkward because the photographer was in there trying to take pics too!

to prove how much I heart babies...

2011-07-27T16:25:00.002-05:00

Check out this baby elephant who recently made its debut at the Indianapolis zoo! super cute, right?..

Oh thank heaven for....little GIRLS!

2011-07-27T14:08:00.000-05:00

Uhhummm.... (like I'm clearing my throat, right?!) Let me introduce my BEAUTIFUL baby niece, Olivia Reese. She came into the world yesterday at about 2:00PM weighing 8 lbs and 4 ozs! Big girl!!

I haven't gotten to see her yet, so excuse the phone screen shot pic, but just go with it. :0

I'll see her tonight and take some more, much better pictures!

two things I love about this picture: 1) my sis in law looks amazing for just popping out a baby! and 2) she's newborn pink!

this one is just a picture that makes me laugh and was on Google+ when I was getting the baby picture!

"A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for."
Author Unknown

Love....what does it mean to YOU?

2011-07-25T10:54:00.000-05:00

I was recently talking to someone about love and what it means to them. He's been in a new relationship for a while and it took some hard work to get to this point in his life. As we talked through it, I realized that love means something different for everyone. For some, it's the desire to protect someone else at all costs. Jumping in front of a bullet for them, etc. For others, it's doing whatever is necessary to keep them happy. Sometimes it's big displays of affection like proposing over and over again every year because you botched the first one. And for others, it's a quiet respect and reverence that isn't necessarily shared with the world.

When I was younger, I thought for sure that I was in love. I envisioned spending the rest of my life with one person and truly for a long time thought that it would work out. I think part of the problem with falling in love so young (15 to be in fact) is that the heart isn't equipped to deal with the trials and tribulations that come with adulthood. I wasn't mature enough to handle the difficulties in our lives and it ended. As I grew older, I had an excellent foundation for what I wished for though. I had an idea of the man I was looking for and the characteristics that I wanted him to possess.

And then I met the hubs. Emotions have never been easy for me to describe with words, but I know that I do not wish to live one day without him. I know that I would go to the ends of the earth and back to ensure his happiness. And to make him feel loved. I know that I would take a bullet for him if it meant that he could continue to live. And I know that he's my best friend. To me, that is my love for him. I adore him. And I thank my lucky stars above every day for being able to wake up next to him and fall asleep with him at the end of the day.

But what does it mean to you? I'm curious...

"The most wonderful of all things in life is the discovery of another human being with whom one's relationship has a growing depth, beauty and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing; it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of divine accident, and the most wonderful of all things in life."
-Sir Hugh Walpole

So you think you can sew....

2011-07-22T15:30:00.000-05:00

This is just a quick post to say that I'm going to use some of my weekend to attempt a few things...

applique
hand embroidery (which I've done before so it shouldn't be that hard, but I've never used my own pattern)
Ribbon baby blanket (looks really easy, not so sure.)

If things turn out well....I'll post some pictures for you. If they do not, I will post nothing and we will never talk about this again. :)

For you, sweet boy..

2011-07-18T12:23:00.000-05:00

This past week while I was heading out to visit family and start an excellent week of vacation, I received an email that my nephew's well had been built and completed in Uganda.

There are no words to describe how this makes me feel. And how it makes me feel that so many friends near and dear to my heart donated to this cause for me. I am forever grateful.

"The true meaning of life is to plant trees, under whose shade you do not expect to sit." - Nelson Henderson

Weight loss -- it's no joke!

2011-07-05T12:23:00.000-05:00

Most everyone knows by now that I've been unhappy with my weight and general lack of body shape other than blob for quite some time now. I try not to talk about the fact that I'm trying to lose weight because I feel like it puts all this pressure on someone to do it and get ridicuously skinny.

But....it's hard. Like SERIOUSLY HARD to battle the scale every freaking day. I mean, do you know how fabulous a taco taste at the end of a long day? Or how amazing ice cream is in the heat of the day? There's all these amazingly wonderful things that you're not supposed to eat because it adds up to too many calories and way too much fat for your own good.

The bottom line is this..I'm tired of being "big boned" or "fluffy" or "maybe she's pregnant" I just want to go back to hot skinny me!

So, the hubs and I made a bet. The bet is no fast food until the end of the year and I have to work out at least 3 times a week. Succeed and I get a new Coach purse....and not from the outlet either! Fail and I get nothing.

So here's to me and that Coach purse! I need it!!!

Where ya been????

2011-06-24T13:43:00.000-05:00

Wow. Talk about life getting crazy and not having any time to do anything....even BREATHE.

I had intentions of posting this great blog about my super fun birthday weekend and then I never got around to it. And I had intentions of posting a blog about the Mavericks and their epic win over the Miami Heat and all the fun stuff that we did those last few days. But then I never got around to it.

Basically, I've had a lot of "don't want tos" these past few weeks. I'll try to be better about that in the future!

Nothing new has really happened. We went out of town for my birthday and that was really fun. A lot of fun. And we're going out of town this weekend to float the river in San Marcos. That should be fun too. And then we'll go to New Braunfels in two weeks to float the rivers down there and spend some time with the family. Pretty much summer is my favorite time of year so I'm soaking up as much as I can and just having fun!

Hopefully next week I'll have time to give you some updates on other stuff...and share the details about my twilight zone birthday and this weekend!

Have fun! Wear sunscreen!!!

May you finally be at peace....

2011-06-20T10:42:00.000-05:00

It's funny how one picture can make you burst into tears....These pictures however make you cry tears of joy. For my sweet, sweet, friend Preston Drew Haun has found his final resting place in Prudhoe Bay, Alaska. His dad promised to take him there, and so he has.

You can read some more about it here...bittersweet that his father posted this on Father's day.

Rest in peace my amazing friend. I miss you every day.

"Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries, it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death."

Amazing what people can do when you give them the chance...

2011-06-09T08:15:00.000-05:00

Last week, I posted a blog post about wanting to finish funding the well that has been started in my nephew's honor. My friend Janet went above and beyond the call of friendship and posted it on her blog as well as Facebook, Twitter, etc. She even went as far as to challenge people to donate so that she could match their donations. Yes, you read that right, she agreed to MATCH their DONATIONS. Even people she'd never met, she agreed to match what they donated. I know I've gushed about her before, but there are no words to describe what she means to me and how my life has been changed simply by having her in my life. The fact that I can call her a friend is even more meaningful and unbelievable to me.

Today, I asked for an update on the well project and I can happily say that in the past week we've gotten to $1,775!!!! We're so close I'm getting anxious! My jumped when I saw the total because I didn't think we were going to be that close. As I was reviewing the donations, there were two from people that I don't really know. I know who they are because they are Janet's friends, but other than that, my knowledge of them is very very limited. I am speechless. These two women donated more than I could ever imagine possible and did so simply because of their friendship with Janet and the cause. My heart is so full of love and compassion for humanity right now that I might burst into a thousand tears!

I know I sometimes seems pessimistic and judgmental, but I'm amazed at what humanity can and will do when you give them the chance.

And to steal a page from Janet's blog:
"The true meaning of life is to plant trees, under whose shade you do not expect to sit." - Nelson Henderson

Lucas Paul Stewart

2011-06-03T09:12:00.001-05:00

As almost all of you know by now, my nephew passed away almost two years ago. He unfortunately did not get to take a breath in this world before passing to the next.

In an effort to honor his memory and to provide life-sustaining water for others, I began to work towards funding a well in his name in Uganda through the help of Holden Uganda. You can learn more about Holden Uganda here.

I learned about Holden Uganda through my friend Janet. She had some friends who lost a baby in a tragic way and it hurt my heart because I knew what it felt like to be the Aunt of a child who was lost. She asked for donations and I gladly donated to the cause. I read more about what Holden Uganda is all about and felt compelled to work with them to set up a well in honor of Lucas. Here are some pictures of what the well looks like when it's completed:

This is the well that I helped fund in memory of Kaitlyn Olivia Doss.

I'm about half way to my goal of funding Lucas' well and my friend Janet has taken on a huge charge to match donations, up to $500. You can read her post here.

I know that in the past I've asked you to donate to this thing or that, but please, please, please, consider donating to Lucas' well in honor of my sweet baby nephew. You can help save the lives of so many other children with such a simple gift.

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

For P, may he finally find peace

2011-06-02T08:34:00.000-05:00

As many of you know, Living for Love and I lost one of our very best friends last year to cancer. He had two wishes when he died, throw an epic party for him and spread his ashes over Prudhoe Bay Alaska.

The epic party is tentatively planned for August. And his dad is embarking on the journey of a lifetime next week to carry Preston to his final resting place. If you're interested, you can follow his blog here.

As I type this out, I have tears in my eyes. One, I wish I could go with his dad or at least be there when he gets there to be with Preston as he is finally laid to rest. And two because it's funny what a year can do to the heart.

I don't feel the same pain that I felt when he first passed. I don't reach for the phone and start dialing his number before I realize that he's not there. But it hurts in a different way now. In that kind of way where you know he's gone and the little slip ups of thinking he's still here to talk to aren't happening anymore. Instead, there's just a giant gaping hole in my heart where Preston once was. And it makes me so sad.

I know he's not suffering anymore and that is more than I could ever ask for. But, I sure do wish it didn't hurt so bad to not have him here. I miss him terribly.

"if you wish to experience peace, provide peace for another"

May David find peace on his journey with Preston. And may his family and friends know that P is finally where he wanted to be.

Funny how things change....

2011-05-20T11:18:00.000-05:00

image by Craig Tuttle

Funny that I've apparently used this title before....and it always reminds me from that scene in Sweet Home Alabama where they're talking at the catfish festival or whatever....anyway, talk about side tracked!

I was looking at a friend's blog today and he is doing what he loves. Taking pictures, traveling the world, and otherwise enjoying life to the fullest -- whatever that means. It made me stop and laugh at all the crazy things I've wanted to do with my life, but haven't managed to do yet. Here are a few that I think are noteworthy. Hopefully, someday, some of these will crossed off.

go to Australia
go back to Italy (and spend like 2 months!)
move to Italy and become a street vendor
go to Alaska (this is definitely happening...)
become a daisy. Yes, the flower
become a Corporate Lawyer
own a brewery in Colorado
own a brewery in Texas
own a brewery somewhere
own my own business -- no idea what I'd do, but I'd do it better than anyone else
have a child (two if the hubs gets his way)
surround myself with family and friends I absolutely adore -- I do this pretty well now but I could see some people more frequently :)
get in shape, stay in shape (you know, have a bikini bod that other moms are jealous of!) -- working on it...SLOWLY

I particularly like the career choices that I wanted to make and failed to make. Like being a daisy...who wouldn't want to do that?!

"Happy are those who dream dreams and are willing to pay the price to make them come true." Anonymous

Bittersweet Mother's Day

2011-05-09T10:38:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was bittersweet to say the least.

On the one hand, it's a great excuse to honor the women that I love in my life. My mom, my grandmother, and my mother in law.

On the other hand, it's a terribly difficult day for my sister; who two years ago told everyone that she was pregnant on mother's day and then lost the baby at 6 months.

It's hard to find a happy medium. The cards that are mass produced certainly aren't mass produced for women who have lost a child. And it seems inappropriate to send a card that says "Happy" on it, when you know that she will not be happy on that day.

It's just hard. And so, it makes the day bittersweet, no matter what the family decides to do on that day.

I hope everyone else doesn't have to deal with such heartache on mother's day. Though I know that there are other families out there who have lost children or mothers. So, remember to tell them how much you care every day. Why wait until Hallmark tells us it's time to honor them?

LET ME CATCH MY BREATH!!!

2011-05-03T11:07:00.000-05:00

Seriously. Long time no blog post. It's mostly because I don't even have time to think anymore, let alone come up with something to blog about. So naturally, I'm going to blog and complain about the amount of work in my life right now.

I have school. I have two classes this semester and two more to finish. The goal was to take both this summer and finish by August. But I'm starting to think that maybe I should take one this summer and one in the fall and finish in October instead. (with graduation in December). It'd be 3 years instead of 2.5 but I might get to keep my sanity.

Work is INSANE in the MEMBRANE. You know that saying "Be careful what you wish for" ?? Well, it's taken over my life. I will never complain or gloat about my free time at work again!

And on top of all that, I'm serving on the Pastor Nominating Committee at church. Basically, at this point, we're reading anywhere from 10 - 20 applications a week. It's a very tedious and long process, but I'm enjoying myself. I'll just be glad when school is over and I can devote myself more fully.

Hope your lives are slightly less insane than mine because I seriously feel like I need to STOP and CATCH my breath!

Two birds...one blog post...

2011-04-19T12:41:00.000-05:00

I'm just going to air out the subject of this post now. that way, if you feel offended or something, you can quit reading right now and not hate me.

This is going to be about race, politics and Christianity.

I'll start with the facts:

I'm a Christian
I'm not technically Caucasian although just looking at me is hard to tell
I'm a Democrat who borders more on libertarian

Recently, I was reading an article from CNN that said "Official apologizes for Obama chimpanzee email" My mouth dropped. Umm what? Obama and a chimpanzee were in the same email? Oh no, it's worse than that. A Republican representative from California felt the need to forward on an email with Obama's face on the body of a baby chimpanzee. The caption of the picture went on to read "Why there's no birth certificate" or something dumb like that.

WHAT?! An elected official, who technically works for the President sent a racist, horrible email about the POTUS? What in the world are people thinking when they do stupid, stupid things like this? Who are you helping? My friend Janet likes to ask me, "What's the advantage" when I'm about to make a stupid mistake. Same applies here....what advantage did this representative gain by sending an email like that? Nothing. In fact, many Republicans are now calling for her resignation!

Now, on to Christianity. In her "official" apology, she wrote some hub bub about how she tries to be a good Christian lady who follows a Christ like path or something. Can I just point out that one of the biggest things about being a good Christian is not judging people like she just did? I know that some religions think that it does involve harsh judgment of other people, but it doesn't. It's about loving your neighbor and respecting those around you. Not sending out hateful emails of people you are supposed to respect! I would have been okay with just an apology, but throwing the Christian twist in there to me, is just an attempt to get more people on her side. Grow up! Christ would not condone what you did, lady. You can be sure of that!

I wish America would just grow up. Learn to respect others the same way you'd want to be respected and we'd all go a lot further in this world.

Sheesh.

LET ME CATCH MY BREATH!!!

2011-04-19T10:52:00.000-05:00

I feel like this week has been a whirlwind sprint to the finish kind of week and it's only TUESDAY.

I know that a lot of my friends are extremely busy, and I'm not jealous of them at all. But, I like being busy in my personal life more than I do in my work life. I mean, when am I going to fart around on the internet if I have to actually do work?!!? Hello? Not convenient.

I feel like today I can't catch my breath. I'm running around doing a million different things! It's almost lunch time though so I felt like I could go ahead and take a little break to post this nonsense on my blog.

Hey, I don't take my 15 minute smoke breaks 12 x a day so I feel like we're equal. :)

What a whirlwind this week has been....

2011-04-13T20:21:00.000-05:00

Instead of providing an update in little tidbits on facebook, I thought I'd write it all here and then blast to facebook that I wrote it and let that serve as my update for tonight.

Hubs woke up at about 4:00AM this morning with a terrible, terrible headache. He toughed it out until about 6 and then while I was getting ready for work, he came out and told me about it and almost immediately started vomiting. With that, I determined that we were going back to the ER. We got there about 6:45 and they decided to re-scan his brain with a CT and make sure there was no new bleeding or missed bleeding from the previous CT scan. That came back clear. With that, they decided to do a spinal tap to see if there was any bleeding that wasn't showing up on the CT scan. That also came back negative. So, they sent him home.

It looks like what they're technically diagnosing him with is "concussion syndrome" or "post concussion syndrome." Reading the information, it seems like that is definitely what's going on and it's likely that the headaches he is having are migraines. We have an appointment with a primary care physician tomorrow so that should give us more information as well.

The calls, facebook messages, and texts have been very important to us and we greatly appreciate you sending them! Thank you for keeping him and us in your thoughts and prayers!

It's a FRUITVEGGIE Challenge!!!!

2011-04-12T10:15:00.000-05:00

So, while at work last week, my co-workers and I decided that we wanted a new challenge. Something fun, yet difficult to accomplish. In about an hour, we came up with the FruitVeggie Challenge.

The rules are simple:
Guys must eat 10 servings of fruits and veggies per day
Girls must eat 8
Potatoes don't count
6 weeks (business days only)
and you can't miss your count one day and add on the next day (like eat 7 Mon, and 9 Tues).
If you miss your servings in one day, you must pay $1 to the Victory Jar. (To go to the victor of the competition)

Yesterday was day 1. I think it would have been easier if I would have been at work instead of at home taking care of the hubs, but I still managed to get in 9 servings of fruits and veggies.

Today, I'm about to get my 3 and 4 serving in and will probably stack up on vegetables at dinner to get the other 3. (I have one piece of fruit for the rest of the day which would bring my total to 5).

Everyone made their goal yesterday. There are officially 5 competitors. Should be an interesting competition! I'll try to keep you updated on how it's going.

Let's go team Tiffany!

Funny how things change....

2011-04-08T11:20:00.000-05:00

It's funny how we go through life with certain friends and groups of friends and then as our life changes, so do those friends. People we thought would be in our lives forever fade away and new people shuffle in. People we didn't expect to be friends with suddenly become some of our best friends. Life is constantly changing.

My boss told me the other day that if you don't work hard in life and make things hard for your self than life ends up being hard. We were talking about working out, but it applies in all aspects, when you think about. If you train yourself by constantly pushing yourself to be better, to work harder than other people, then when disappoint or sadness finds you, you're going to be well equipped to deal with whatever life presents.

I guess my point in writing about both of these is that we often find in life that there are some friendships that are worth trudging through quick sand to save and some that could disappear tomorrow and we'd let them fade with the sun. The trick is finding out and learning which ones are worth the effort. Personally, I've tended to look at life like all of my friendships are that important to me. But in reality, there several that I would go to the ends of the earth for. Others that I would trudge through mud for, and others that would simply let fade with time. I'm beginning to learn the difference in my friendships and learning that it's okay to not be best friends with everyone. In fact, the friends that I do call best friends have earned that title. They've been there for me through bad times and through good and have proven themselves worthy of my devotion. Others? Not so much.

So here's to the friendships that are worth trudging through hell for. And for the others? Eh, keep them around as long as it's beneficial. Once it's no longer beneficial, quit putting in so much effort.

It's funny the things that trigger a memory....

2011-04-05T16:12:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it's the day of the year...like my friend, who blogged about his deceased father in law
Sometimes, it's a song that triggers a memory...like my friend Janet, who blogged about a song that often times reminds me of her wedding.
Sometimes, it's a smell, or a car driving by, or even just a chain of events that happen in a particular order more than once that triggers your memory of a moment already passed.
Each time it happens, no matter what triggers the memory for me, I find myself lost in the moment. Lost in thought about things that have happened before. both good and bad.

Today, my husband sent me beautiful flowers for our anniversary. He carefully selected an arrangement that included my favorite flower, the stargazer lily. If you've ever been around stargazers, then you know that the fragrance is strong and they have a very distinct smell. Today, the fragrance is triggering memories of our wedding; where stargazers were also present and very fragrant. Today, the memories triggered are happy ones. Ones of love and joy and a fun party!

But it's not every day that a memory lost triggers happy thoughts. Sometimes, it brings up the memory of a lost friend or loved one. Sometimes, it's a moment in time that you'll never get back that you might regret.

Which makes cherishing the memory triggers like today's even more important.

There are some joys that will last us a lifetime. Marrying my best friend, has been one of those joys.

If you love animals....

2011-04-04T14:11:00.002-05:00

You should check out this live feed of two bald eagles and their babies.

http://www.ustream.tv/decoraheagles

That is all. It's AMAZING.

3 YEARS! 3 YEARS! Wahoooooooo!!!

2011-04-04T13:14:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is my 3 year wedding anniversary. This weekend, as I was hanging out with the hubs, I realized just how incredibly lucky I am to have married my best friend. I may not always think that, but after some unexpected twists of fate from a few friends of mine, it was nice to realize that the majority of the time, he does put my feelings before is and thinks about his actions might affect me before he goes through with any kind of plan.

I wrote last week that it's probably expecting too much to think that my friends would do the same thing, and it's true. But what I'm realizing is that I really only need my one best friend. My true best friend. My soul mate.

Happy 3 year anniversary to us! Here's to another 3 years and another and another and another and another and another and another and another and another and another and another and another and another and another and another and another and another and another and another and another and another and another and another and another and another and another and another and another and another and another and another and another and another.

here's some wedding photos in honor of our big accomplishment!

Here's my handsome guy (I love this photo...he seems....happy!)

"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. "
~Marcel Proust

It's a blessing and a curse......

2011-04-01T08:08:00.001-05:00

I wear my heart on my sleeve. Especially when it comes to friends and family. I've never been good at being very guarded, and I've kind of always cared more about others than I probably should. I've always put other people's feelings before my own. In some instances, it's a blessing. I've been able to be there for people when they needed me and put my own anger or whatever aside to do what needed to be done.

Other times, it's a curse. I've learned in a rather unpleasant way this week that most people only think about themselves when making decisions. They don't consider other people's feelings and they do what will be fun for them regardless of what might be involved otherwise. I know that the hurt they inflict is unintentional, but it's still being inflicted. And to them, I know that it makes no sense. Because, if you're not someone who wears your heart on your sleeve, then you're never going to understand how it might feel for a friend to not consider your feelings when making a choice.

Moral of the story? I've got to quit caring so much. I've got to get tougher and protect me more so that I don't end up in situations where I'm the one being hurt. If I'm the only friend in the relationship who is putting thought into how my actions might affect the other person, then I'm the fool.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on ME.

Animal Activist Soap Box

2011-03-31T08:12:00.000-05:00

Stepping on my soap box this morning because I'm perturbed at the way people are responding to Tilikum, the killer whale who is responsible for the death of 3 people going back to work.

Here are the facts: last year, the whale pulled a trainer into the tank by her pony tail and consequently killed her by dragging her to the bottom of the tank. It was tragic, I agree.

I agree that people are important and come before animals, in most instances.

In this instance, I'm finding myself very pissed off at the people who are "appalled" and "disgusted" that the whale has been released to perform again.

Here's why: WE, as Americans, like to be entertained. WE chose to take these whales, place them in captivity, and train them for OUR amusement. They are aptly named KILLER whales for a reason: they KILL. Yet, WE overlook that fact and force them to do what WE want when WE want it. Hmm.....am I the only who sees that it's no surprise that the whale has been linked to deaths?

The very nature of the killer whale is to kill. Kill for survival, kill for food. So......why would we think that it's okay to place these animals into captivity and expect them not to ever do anything bad? Seems a little naive on my part.

Now, should the whale have returned to performing? Probably not. But what else are they going to do with it? If they return it to the wild, it means imminent death for the whale. If they kill the whale, well then they kill the whale. So, why, because the whale was placed in captivity without it's consent, should we condemn it to death because it did what is in it's natural ability and instinct to do?

I think the bigger issue that needs to be explored here is the way we treat animals for our entertainment. I'm not saying that I agree with organizations like PETA, but I don't think that this whale deserves to die for acting as a KILLER whale.

Humans, Americans in particular, need to learn to not upset the natural balance of the world. Until then, animals are going to continue to do things that are harmful to humans and then everyone's going to end up in a uproar all over again. But, is it really the animals fault? No.

Hummus and Hunger

2011-03-30T15:43:00.000-05:00

I love hummus. Like, would take a hummus bath and eat my way through the bath I love it so much.
I particularly enjoy these individual serving cups of hummus that come with pretzels. They give you way too much hummus for the amount of pretzels, so you really have to smother the pretzels in hummus. I love it.

I was telling a friend today that I was starving and she hit me with an unexpected question. "Have you ever thought about what it really feels like to be starving? Not just hungry where food is in reach and all you have to do is go get it, but STARVING?"

I hadn't. I donate to food networks and hunger projects in the hopes that my money will feed some starving kid in Africa, but the truth is, I have never really thought about what it means to be starving. The kind of starving where you don't know when and where your next meal is coming from. It was very humbling to say the least. We take for granted the things that we have, like food readily available to us and fresh drinking water, but the truth of the matter is, there are thousands, millions of people out there who have neither of these things. It's heartbreaking.

If you feel so inclined, you can help right here in North Texas, by donating to the North Texas Food Bank. The Hunger Project also does great work, so you could always go for a more global approach and help them.

If you feel so inclined, I've started raising money for in my nephew's honor to build a well in Uganda so that local kids and families can have access to safe, clean, drinking water. If you have thought about wanting to do something before but were unsure of what to do, consider donating in my nephew's honor. Go to www.holdenuganda.org and select "Lucas Paul Stewart" from the drop down menu.

Of course you never have to do more than you already do. These are merely mentions of organizations that you might find it in your heart to donate to. No pressure.

"The true meaning of life is to plant trees, under whose shade you do not expect to sit." - Nelson Henderson
thanks @vanweezy for that one. I love it.

Sometimes you get sour lemons.....

2011-03-28T08:07:00.000-05:00

And then your lemonade doesn't taste so great.

For real though. This is really about my complete lack of self control over the past weekend. Last week, I had done pretty well (okay, I did an OKAY job) of eating healthy and getting back on the weight loss train. Starting Thursday, however, the train was raided by train pirates, derailed, and hit by missile. Ooops.

See, the problem is, I couldn't eat for 2 1/2 weeks. 2 1/2 weeks!!! That's kind of an insane amount of time when you love food. I probably would have only ventured off track once or twice over the past 2 1/2 weeks, which is still manageable, and often encouraged to keep you on track. Instead, I went ape shit crazy and ate whatever I wanted and I'm totally feeling the regret now.

Not only is it going to make me gain back some of the 20 lbs that I've lost over the past few months, but I feel bloated and uncomfortable!

Today is the day that I am getting back into my workout routine and I have to say, it would have been nice to have a nice healthy start to the whole thing instead of feeling like a lard ass about to try to run. Le sigh.

Moral of the story? Venture off track from time to time. Your body deserves a reward as do you. But, don't let the temptation derail your train.

"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook”
-Julia Child

Geek Out

2011-03-24T08:01:00.001-05:00

this is my church's cross for Easter. I heart Easter.

So I'm going to Jesus Freak out for a moment, but it's okay...I'm not ashamed to do so!

I recently started listening to Christian Rock again on occasion. I've found a few bands and songs that I really like, but there are 2 songs in particular that I'm really loving and I thought I'd share them for my fellow Bible thumpers. (Okay, I'm not that big of a Jesus freak, but I do love me some Jesus).

Anyway, they are:
The Alters - Light Up the Sky
David Crowder Band - How He Loves

If you get an inkling, check the out. They're pretty good songs.

That's all!

And He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions
eclipsed by glory and I realize just how beautiful you are
And how great your affections are for me

And oh, how He loves us, oh
Oh, how He loves us, how He love us all

So.....I'm writing a book...

2011-03-23T11:19:00.000-05:00

No, it doesn't start with "Once upon a time"

I've told a few people and a few more people have read it but it's funny. I've always loved writing. I see it as a good escape, a way to cope with difficult emotions, and an awesome way to track family legacies, history, etc.

One day, I got the urge to write a chick lit book. So I started it. We're about 20 chapters in now and lots and lots of pages. (I have it in sections so it's easier to read so it's hard to tell exactly how many pages. Plus, it's in Word and book pages are different than Word pages).

Anywho, it's been really fun and it's an awesome distraction from every day life. It's been a great escape (not that it's like a fantasy of mine or anything) and it's just been fun. I'm enjoying it. I wonder though, if I'll send it to anyone to read, try to get it published or anything like that. Who knows? And I wonder what I'll do when I finish it...it can't be that far off, the story only has so much further to go. Interesting things to ponder....interesting indeed.

Maybe someday I'll even be famous! Wouldn't that be a hoot and a half. (Not likely, so don't get your hopes up!)

And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.
~Sylvia Plath

the good news about the tonsillectomy

2011-03-22T14:35:00.000-05:00

I think I kicked my caffeine habit by not drinking sodas for the entire time I was down.

It's been almost 3 weeks (at least) since I had my last drink. (Sounds like an alchi) but it's true!

They say caffeine isn't too great for you so here's hoping I can stay off it!

In other news, I've really got nothing. School has started again so I'm kind of busy with that. And busy with trying to catch up with everyone I didn't see for 2 weeks. It's amazing how popular one becomes after surgery! :)

Today has hurt a lot less than yesterday, but it's not over yet. Things could still go downhill! Here's hoping they don't and today ends on a high note rather than a low one.

Keep those tonsils clean folks!

Wooo....finally some relief...

2011-03-21T11:13:00.000-05:00

**I took this picture on my phone, while riding around in the Jeep with the top off....such a great weekend!

It's been about 2 1/2 weeks since surgery and I feel "okay". I don't feel terrible anymore, but I definitely don't feel great yet. In fact, I have two doctor's appointments scheduled between this week and next. Mostly just to check progress, but also because I have congestion in my head that I just can't get out. And apparently the only way to get it out is to have it suctioned out by the doc. So, back to the doc we go to have our sinuses suctioned. Woo.

This weekend was actually ahmazing. I finally felt like getting out and doing stuff, and the hubs was off, so it was perfect. We went to Aubrey, TX to see some friends. First we visited with some fun friends who live on some land and have cows. 3 of their cows had babies this year so I really wanted to see the babies. The babies however, were not into seeing me as they wouldn't get within 100 feet of me! But, I got licked by a lot of mamas who were willing to eat my treats, so I guess that's fun too. I heart cows. I think they're so cute.

From there we went to see one of my nearest and dearest and her fiance. I haven't seen her in forever and I miss her so much it hurts! But we had a really good time! We went to the driving range (our goal is to be somewhat decent golfers by the end of summer). And we cooked out some kabobs (her first time with kabobs) and they turned out awesome! Unfortunately, after dinner, at about 9:00PM I was totally wiped so we had to go home. I probably could have lasted longer but it takes about an hour to get home, so I had to factor that in too!

All in all, it was a good first outing for me. I was so thrilled to see so many people that I care about in one day!

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. ~Marcel Proust

so tonsils....who needs em?

2011-03-10T19:53:00.000-06:00

I've kind of felt like this dog for the past week or so...

We are officially on day 8 of recovery, one week out from actual surgery date.

First post-op notes are that my tonsils were disgusting and entirely full of infection as well as my adenoids (which, yes, I had removed at the tender age of 18 months). My nose was a complete mess so he was really glad that I opted to do both at the same time.

Yesterday ( day 7) was probably the worst day, absolute worst day of the recovery so far. Basically, I developed thrush in my throat from the constant stream of antibiotics that I have been on for the past oh, 4 years. It was a complication that we talked about before the surgery, but you just never know if it's going to happen until it does.

Anywho -- days 1 -4 went by very, very slowly. It was painful, but more than anything, it just felt like the days wouldn't end. It felt like noon never got here and the end of the day was even worse. We were basically counting down until Day 6. The day I went back to the doctor to get the stints removed from my nose and get a check up on things.

Days 5 and 6 were terrible. Absolute terror. I thought I was dying. I got very grumpy, couldn't really eat or drink anything and basically floated in and out of consciousness on my parent's couch while my grandmother sat by helpless. We got through Day 5 with a LOT of tears and prayers (mostly praying for the strength to get through the day and to the next day's appointment.)

Day 6 started out....eh. Okay. Not great, but okay. Still woke up in a lot of pain, still was unable to do much of anything. Luckily my appointment was at 9:30 so we didn't have to wait too long for the appointment to get here. My dad ended up taking the day off because I don't know why. Honestly, I think he was really worried about me and was worried what the doctor might say the next day. And since the hubs had some major meetings to go to, dad was the next best option. Both dad, grams and I head into the doctor's office. The nurse does an initial review of my mouth but doesn't see too much going on (mostly because I can barely move my moth). So, the doc comes in and things go from worse to terrible in about 5 seconds. He asks how much water I've been drinking (which at the time was minimal) and quickly gets angry at the lack of intake. He says that I've got about 5 hours to get on a different track fast or I'll end up in the hospital whether I want to or not. So, he suggests that dad and grams take me to one of those quickie ER places to get IV fluids STAT! He removes the ginormous stints from my nose. I can't find a picture of them, but they reminded me of a butterfly wing. On each side of my nostrils. About two inches in size. I didn't feel them going in or out, thank God but the look of them afterwards was enough to make me never want them again.

We went from doc's office straight to ER to get IVs. I felt a LOT, LOT better after the 2 bags of IV fluids but still kind of icky.

So today is better. I've gotten a shit ton more fluids in my body (smart cookie, after all). But I still can't really eat anything. My nose is completely swollen again, which sucks because yesterday I was able to breathe like I haven't in who knows how long. But, after the swelling goes back down, I'm told I'll breathe much, much better.

So, here's hoping the worst is behind us and we will continue on an upward journey from the hell that has been my life for the past 8 days.

Ask me in a week or maybe 6 months if it was all worth it. I haven't made a good decision in that regard yet.

Here's to a much healthier second half of 2011!

Holy ENT Batman!

2011-03-02T09:11:00.000-06:00

So, I typically go off gut feelings when it comes to whether or not I like a doctor, especially when it comes to physicians. If they don't rub me the wrong way, then most likely, I will continue seeing them and believe what they tell me when they recommend things like surgery to remove large parts of my head.

Same was true with my new specialist, Dr. Morris B.C. Gottlieb, M.D, F.A.C.S. Wow-- that's a lot of letters.

Let me just say that I decided to pick up the flyer about him and read what he's all about, even though I'm already committed to surgery tomorrow at 8 AM.

Here's some of the highlights, and of course these are the actual words on the flyer from his office:

Morris B.C. Gottlieb graduated with a B.S. in Molecular Biophysics and Biochemistry from Yale University. He received his medical training at The John Hopskins University School of Medicine, during which time he did cancer research under the direction of one of the most prominent researchers in the field. He completed his residency at Duke University Medical School, one of the best ENT programs and one of the largest tertiary care centers in the nation. He is board certified in Otolaryngology and is a Fellow of the American College of Surgeons, a distinction that fewer than 1% of all surgeons hold.

And I'm sold. So, not only is he funny, but he's freaking smart too. He told me that getting my MBA was a huge accomplishment and that he envied me. DUDE you graduated from YALE.

Sweet geez. This guy is awesome. :)

So, if you need an ENT, I highly, highly recommend Dr. Morris B.C. Gottlieb of North Dallas Ear, Nose, and Throat, P.A. Check him out here: www.northdallasearnoseandthroat.com

EPIC, EPIC FAIL!

2011-03-01T15:43:00.000-06:00

If there was ever a time to NOT look at the internets for help, today was the day. But I did it. And now, I'm sorry. So sorry!

I decided that I wanted some more pointers on what this surgery is going to be like Thursday. Big mistake. HUGE mistake! I forget sometimes that generally, the only people to write on forums on the internet are ones who are unhappy about the way something went or who had the worst experience known to man! And that's what I got. A bunch of horror stories. Sweet Buddha, please help me! I'm going to have to take a valium before the surgery just to calm my nerves!!!

Needless to say, my list of questions for tomorrow's pre-surgery appointment just got a LOT longer!!! #1 on that list? Tell me about scabbing.

EEK!

This site however, seems to be very helpful. So, if you're curious...click here.

Practicing what we preach...

2011-02-22T09:16:00.000-06:00

So this weekend, as I was avoiding writing one of 3 papers due this week, I started thinking about the tag line that I have at the end of my personal email and as a heading at the top of my blog...

"celebrate we will for life is short but sweet for certain..."

Why you ask? I don't know...distraction. But the point is, it made me realize that I'm not really living my life like it is short but sweet for certain. I worry about the future. I worry about the present. I worry about a lot of things that in the big scheme of things are small, insignificant matters. All that worrying is totally going to show up on my face some day. Probably when I'm 30.

So, in an effort to be bolder, live life more like I know I should, and to follow in a dear friend's footsteps, I'm going to start looking at life not as a race to the finish with no bruises or scars, but a journey that should be filled with lots of bruises and scars and life marks. Because the truth is, if you don't have those things when you die, then what did you really do?

A farewell to my friend P......

2011-02-17T16:38:00.000-06:00

Today is a hard day. Today I made the decision that it was time to delete Preston's contact information out of my phone. Time for me to acknowledge that he is truly gone and to celebrate his life instead of dwelling on the time that I've lost with him. It may seem like a small thing to hold onto someone's contact information, but every time I saw his name, I wanted to call him and talk to him. Only, I couldn't. So instead of feeling a warm touch in my heart because I was thinking of him fondly, I was feeling anger and hurt because he wasn't there for me to talk to.

Luckily, I had a small distraction and was able to delete his contact information while talking to a friend. I think it made it easier. When I drove in to work this morning, tears filled my eyes as I listened to one of my favorite songs, Just Breathe by Pearl Jam. It's a sad song anyway, but for some reason it made me think of P. From the very beginning, it seems to explain my feelings about death and losing my friend....

"yes I understand that every life must end...."

and continues...

"everything you gave and nothing you would take...."

I know that it was Preston's time to go and no matter what I did during those last few months of his life, ultimately, his life would end and he would be gone. I know that I'm lucky to have had him in my life for the time that I did. I know the last words he heard from me were "I love you." But until today, it didn't feel like I was ready to let go of the anger and the hurt. I wasn't ready to delete his contact information because it meant accepting that my friend is gone.

But whether I accept it or not, the truth is, he is gone. He's been gone for almost 6 months. My life is forever changed by my friend Preston and there are things I'll do differently in my life going forward because of him. It'll never be okay that he's gone, but I can start focusing on celebrating the life that he lived instead of being angry about the life that he lost. I'll continue to miss him every day of forever but letting this small piece of him go feels like letting the love back in and turning off the hate. It may seem insignificant, but for me, today was a big day. Today was the day I was able to start celebrating my friendship instead of mourning it's loss.

"love you till I die........meet you on the other side."

I'm a little bit quirky....

2011-02-16T16:36:00.000-06:00

So I have this small obsession with a music group that I am fortunate to see in concert next Tuesday night.
The thing about this music group is they sing in a different language. A language that I don't speak. Small problem, yes? But I LOVE, I mean, LOOOOOOOOOVE to rock out to them. Who is the different language speaking-totally awesome rock out music group, you ask? Why, the Gipsy Kings of course!

Tee hee. Okay, granted, they sing in Spanish, and my grandmother speaks Spanish, there are some words that I can catch and sort of figure out what the song is about. But mostly, I like the music. The guitar is....breathtaking and the combination of beats and instruments makes my soul dance. I love them. Pure and simple.

I cannot wait to see them next Tuesday. It's almost like a life's dream come true. My heart is happy and my soul is ready to dance!

I think music in itself is healing. It's an explosive expression of humanity. It's something we are all touched by. No matter what culture we're from, everyone loves music.
Billy Joel

Thank Buddha for antibiotics!

2011-02-14T10:28:00.000-06:00

Here's the good news: my tiredness is not due to some miraculous baby, or to something weird, but apparently it's due to having strep throat. Again. For the 4th time since August. Here's the bad news: it KEEPS HAPPENING!

WHAT THE HELL UNIVERSE? WHY ARE YOU PICKING ON ME?

I'd like to say that there's a great reason for me getting strep and sinus infections so much, but I really think it boils down to my body being jacked up. I take vitamins. I work out occassionally (more when I'm not sick) and I don't put bad things into my body. But let's face, a crack whore is healthier than me! It's just not fair!

So, here's my message to the unvierse:

Dear Universe,

Please attack someone else. Please give strep and sinus infections and shingles and all the other weird shit that you've given me to someone else. Someone more deserving, like a crack whore or a pimp. I've really had my fun and I'm ready to be well, I think I can handle it. Thanks for the gifts, but I'm really overwhelmed with the amount you've given me these past few months. Please, share the wealth with others. I won't mind.

Always yours,

tiffany

Here's hoping the universe is in a good mood today!

Proper Symphony Etiquette

2011-02-07T10:38:00.000-06:00

For those of you who don't know, dad and I have season tickets to the symphony. We both love (and I mean LOVE) classical music and are fortunate enough to live in a city with an excellent symphony orchestra.

That being said, Saturday was one of the worst experiences I've had at the symphony and it was in no part the fault of the orchestra or the conductor. It was the patrons.

There is one really big rule about going to the symphony and that rule is to shut your damn mouth when the music is playing. Dad and I had to sit in different seats than we normally do because we had to switch nights of our concert due to bad weather and show cancellations. I have never been more sad to see someone else in my seats!

There were two couples who sat on our row, probably the same age as me, maybe a few years older. THEY WHISPERED TO EACH OTHER THE ENTIRE TIME. During the first performance, it was kind of okay because it was really focused on percussion and so the noise from the instruments drowned out a lot of the squeaking from the mouths of the noisy patrons. However, the second piece was much quieter and I literally wanted to go down the aisle and punch them in the face. Thankfully, the person sitting next to the guy on one end couldn't take it anymore either and told him to shut the f up. I'm hoping he said "You're the rudest person I've ever met, now shut the fuck up!" But it was probably nicer than that.

So, if you ever plan to visit the symphony, go knowing that you should not speak during the performance. And, go knowing that you should arrive early so that you're not squeaking your way to your seat in the middle of the performance. This also helps because sometimes, they won't let you in. OH, and on top of everything else, make sure you wait to clap until the entire piece has been played. Not just a pause in between the movements. It's amateur.

"Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul.”

Are you a "look" giver?

2011-01-26T13:03:00.000-06:00

I read this article and I had to stop and think. Do I give "the look" to the homeless? I'm trying to think back on the last homeless person I saw....I mean, truly homeless as described in the article. I never have cash or change on me so I usually don't roll down my window and give out cash, but I do try to help in other ways. I try to make regular donations to the North Texas Food Bank so that those who are in need can get the food they need for their families. But I never see those people, so again, it's hard to say if I'm a giver of "the look" or not.

This weekend, I went to Target to get some things and there was a woman standing outside asking for money. She claimed to have four children and no money to feed them. Not having any money in my wallet (cash) I went inside without really thinking twice about the woman standing outside. However, after gathering the few items that I went into the store for, I made my way over to the bread aisle, picked up a loaf and headed to the peanut butter aisle to pick up a jar of peanut butter. When I went back outside she was gone. Presumably, someone complained to management and they had to ask her to leave. I wasn't able to give her the peanut butter and bread that I bought for her so instead I've been driving it around in my car, waiting for an opportunity to give it to someone else who needs it.

I don't know if people standing on the corner are always in need. I can't ever decide if because they have brand new shoes on their feet that means they're not homeless or it means that someone gave them a new pair of shoes. But here's what I do know...I don't want to be a "look" giver. I want to treat them with compassion because it's obvious that they need it. Regardless of whether or not they're living under a bridge, the bottom line is, they're standing on a street corner asking for money. Even if they're not homeless, they're obviously in need of something even if that is a moral compass and not money or food.

~ Each of us in our own way can try to spread compassion into peopleís hearts. Western civilizations these days place great importance on filling the human 'brain' with knowledge, but no one seems to care about filling the human 'heart' with compassion.
Dalai Lama

It's the little things...right?

2011-01-26T09:59:00.000-06:00

No big news here, but I did want to share some fun little tidbits. The bff and I have been working on our fitness and our diets by eating healthier and working out. It's been about 3 weeks and the scale has definitely seen some poundage lost, but now there are little things happening too.

I had to put a belt on a pair of jeans out of the dryer.
I had to take a link out of my watch.
Some of my shirts are starting to look way too big.

So, I guess this whole lifestyle change thing is working. That's promising! Here's hoping super skinny Tiffany returns later this year! :)

Your goals, minus your doubts, equal your reality.
Ralph Marston

Can I be morally opposed to the Super Bowl??

2011-01-24T07:53:00.000-06:00

Ugh. Yesterday's games did not go the way I wanted them to...AT ALL.
I like the Bears. I don't like the Bears when the Cowboys are still playing, but I like them otherwise. I do not like Greenbay. I don't know why, but I don't. And that's a good enough reason for me.
I used to love Ben Rothlisberger. LOVE him. And then he was accused of sexual assault not once, but twice.
I don't mind the Jets. They're okay in my book. It would have been fun for LT to come back to D/FW to practice and play in a super bowl. But it didn't turn out that way.

I'm going to be torn on who to cheer on on Super Bowl Sunday. I have moral confinements that make me want to see Ben lose terribly! I want him to be completely humiliated. I know that he was never convicted of sexual assault, but it's a little strange for two women to accuse him of it. I know that I should be more of an adult and give him the benefit of the doubt considering the law couldn't find just cause to charge him, but I'm not that mature.

So.......go Packers? Ugh. That hurts even just typing it out. At least Aaron Rodgers is cool. At least their "G" looks like my high school's. That makes it a little bit easier to stomach.

everybody was kung fu fighting.......

2011-01-20T13:09:00.000-06:00

those cats were fast as lightning!

Okay, just kidding. But guess what blogosphere--- my sis in law is moving in! How fun is that? I think it's going to be a really good time and that we'll probably hardly even notice her. But the exciting stuff is this could be a really good time for us to bond and get to know each other a lot better! I already love her, but it'll be cool to learn more about her! I can't wait!

While I was texting her, hubs' cousin text me and asked if he could come stay with us......I said "Of course"! Mostly because last time he asked, he ended up staying in Indiana, but we'll see! It could be a really crowded house for a while!

We've got to quit giving an audience to the crazies....

2011-01-12T12:09:00.000-06:00

Over the past few days, lots and lots of stuff has gone down.

There was a terrible shooting in Arizona.
Sarah Palin compared the media take on her to a 'blood libel'
The right wing extremes have been defending themselves against creating an environment of hate

Here's my thinking on the whole thing -- why are we giving an audience to these people? Okay, let's look at the suspected shooter.....he looks INSANE. And I would imagine that he's getting exactly what he wants right now....attention. He was a loner, right? So that means he didn't get very much attention. And the few stories I've read about his parents make me think that they probably didn't pay very much attention to him either. So...he shoots some people gets an instant national audience. Instead of focusing on the people who lost their lives, we're digging into his. He doesn't deserve it.

Dear Lord can we please stop giving a rat's ass about Sarah Palin? Her blatant misuse of words, or stupidity, is starting to get annoying. She opens her mouth and offends someone becuase she doesn't think about what's she's saying, or she really is that dumb. Comparing the media's take on her to a blood libel is just downright disrespectful. The entire idea of a blood libel is disrespectful. And for anyone (including the others who have used that term this week) to use it is a huge disgrace in my opinion. We talk about how we're fair and we appreciate our melting pot, and we respect freedom of religion, but then we blatantly offend a good portion of our population. I imagine she would feel the same way if someone compared her to Pontius Pilate and said that she not only enabled the shooting in Arizona, she ordered it. Is there any other Christian figure that we can even compare this to? Probably not because the Christians haven't been as persecuted as the Jewish people. She's just dumb and if we all quit listening to her, I think we'd get A LOT further in the journey of ridding the nation of her. Let her go back to her small Alaskan home and hide in the woods. Who cares what she does as long as she's not on the national stage anymore!

As for the right wing extremes who do not see that their comments, beliefs, and actions might be creating an environment of hate.....please someone hit them across the face. WAKE UP! A good number of people are easily influenced. Especially guys like Jared Loughner who went out on a rampage and shot at innocent people. Maybe you didn't put the gun in his hand and maybe you didn't pull the trigger, but a lot of times, the ideas that ,people have are nurtured by the people they watch or see in the celebrity world. So sure Glenn Beck, you didn't call for the hit on Rep. Giffords, but your attitude, and your more than obvious distaste for the current government sure isn't helping anything. How about you and all your friends stop talking about how much you hate the current government and start working to finding a solution to some of the problems you see? How about you work to find areas where we can compromise? Standing back and bawking at everything just makes you look stupid. Besides, the liberals aren't doing nearly as much bitching as you are, and we're not exactly happy with the current situation either. But we're WORKING on it, not just bitching about it.

So my trusted blog readers...here's what I leave you with....quit giving an audience to people who are crazy! I think that Sarah Palin and Glen Beck are intelligent people, I just think they're using their intelligence in the wrong way. Quit supporting them until they decide that they're done just standing by and bitching and they're ready to work on the problems facing Americans....like the unemployment rate, China's continued devaluing of the yen...those types of things that we would be much more successful at if we worked together instead of apart.

*steps off soap box and sighs deeply*
clearly these are just my opinions. I'm sure we can still be friends after you read this.

Hey, it's a new year!

2011-01-07T08:28:00.000-06:00

I haven't had much to talk about lately, but here goes a shot at filling you in on some things.

My hubs is AMAZING. He's been really supportive these past few weeks and just has had a completely different attitude. It's fun! And because he knows that me and the bff are trying to lose weight, he's been super supportive there too and has been eating the same healthy food as me and trying to order healthy things off restaurant menus so that he doesn't tempt me with whatever he orders. It's really sweet. :)
The bff is incredible. We're both working to slim down and be healthier together and without her doing this with me I'm not so sure that I would be doing so well. It's a blessing!
I just want to take a minute to tell the world how amazing my friend Janet is. There aren't even the right words to describe her, but she is so selfless and caring that I'm constantly in awe of what is going on in her life. Everyone should have someone like her in their life because it makes you realize how much more you could/should be doing for your global community. Her generosity astounds me and I'm so thankful that she's in my life and that I can call her a friend.
Colleen is starting to look preggers and little Poppy Bear will be here before we know it! I'm planning a baby shower with her sister for sometime in April and I'm so excited I just might pee on myself just for typing it out. :)

Sometimes, it helps to just type/say the things that are good in life to help you see that it's not always brussel sprouts and rain clouds. There actually is quite a lot of sunshine and daisy in the world too.

So --- I encourage you to put more sunshine and daisies in the world with me this year.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world"
Gandhi

unique new years resolutions

2011-01-03T12:05:00.000-06:00

Because I don't want to type out serious resolutions here (in case they don't come to fruition and I look like a failure) I thought it'd be fun to share some of the weirder things I'm going to try to do/avoid this year.

Use toilet covers more at work. (Not that the toilets are gross (our bathrooms are insane) but sometimes there's a left over.....odor. Not the poop kind either.)
Go through closet and review wardrobe/shoes. Mostly the shoes. If they haven't been worn since before last season then I'm chunking them in a box and donating them.
Say the f word a whole lot less. Granted, it's completely usable in EVERY sentence ever, but it's just not classy
Get more pedicures. They say that healthy feet lead to a healthy lifestyle....we'll see
Do more stuff with my hair besides just pulling it back at the bangs (Today for example, it has big, wavy curls instead of my usual bouncy tight curls)
drink more water, thus creating more fluids in the body, thus flushing out the gross stuff, thus needing to eat a lot less fiber! :)
Avoid embarrassing situations (like being plastered at an after work function...not cute)
Avoid wearing jeans every day (Day 1 - success!)
Avoid wearing flats every day (see previous bullet point about shoes. If I'm going to own them, I need to wear them)

This are all things I'm planning on doing this year, but in all seriousness, I do have one new year's resolution that I should tell you because you'll help hold me more accountable.

Realize the value of a minute, an hour, a day and spend the year living in appreciation for every minute, hour, and day I have with my friends, husband, and family.

Here's to you 2011! Let's hope you don't suck as bad as 2010 and that all my friends and families are blessed with happiness and health!

See ya later 2010!

2010-12-31T13:13:00.000-06:00

I want to say: "see ya later 2010, don't let the door hit ya on the way out" but I don't want to start 2011 off on the wrong foot.

Here are some things that happened in 2010:

I climbed 52 flights of stairs to fight lymphoma (even though I wanted to die at like 19)
I celebrated my puppie's 6 year birthday (it was tough, shut it)
I planned for and went to Costa Rica for my 2 year anniversary with the hubs
I celebrated my 26th year of life.
I floated the river with good friends and the best family in the world
I lost a good friend to his battle with cancer
I observed the one year anniversary of my nephew's passing and mourned him all over again
I got a sewing machine and finished a quilt I was given as a gift
I went to a game for all of the porfessional sports in Dallas.
I stood by helplessly as my friend Colleen lost her mother to cancer
I celebrated one of the best Christmases yet though still grieving for Colleen and for Preston

2010 was not my favorite year. But today is the last day of 2010 and I'm looking forward to 2011.

Here are some things I hope to accomplish next year.

Graduate with my MBA
become an aunt for the third and fourth time
being an honorary aunt for the second time (here's looking at you baby Crocker)
Climb 52 flights of stairs
get back into running (ugh)
spend more time with friends
spend more time with family
go somewhere awesome (like BALI)
learn something new

Here's wishing you and yours a most spectacular new year! Stay safe out there. We all know it's amateur night!

"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.”
-Bill Vaughn

I broke the rules....

2010-12-23T15:07:00.000-06:00

This year the hubs and I weren't going to give presents, but I broke the rules and got him one anyway. Technically, it can be seen as a joint present because, if he so chooses, he can include me in his gift. Anyway, just wanted to share the super cute envelope I made for him.

And give me some credit...I'm at work and had to use the resources at my disposal.

See.....it's clever because it spells out his name in golf shapes. I think it might have something to do with golf but I'm not 100%.

Freedom of Religion

2010-12-23T09:24:00.003-06:00

I'm not going to get into this too much here, but I wanted to share this blog post. I find it very relevant and I wholeheartedly agree.

Take some time to read it if you'd like.

http://www.ottawacitizen.com/life/need+freedom+religion/4002627/story.html

internet safety protocol

2010-12-22T12:56:00.000-06:00

so I read the posts on this one website on a rather regular basis -- mostly because they show up in my Google Reader feed. Anyway, the site reddit, allows people to post "news as it's happening" and other random things that please people. The past two days, there have been posts about meeting up in certain cities so that the poster can buy you a meal (if you're in need and hungry this season) and sending amazon toy orders to kids if the family is in need.

The second one I would have participated in had I known about it before it was too late (this morning was too late because the package wouldn't get there in time for Christmas). The first one though is where I pause and have to wonder if I'd really be willing to meet up with someone I didn't kinow and buy them dinner. Here's my concern: the world is a scary place. People are scary and can do some scary things in times of need. THE WORLD IS A SCARY PLACE.

I want to participate in things like this. I want to feel like I could confidently post the same thing and offer my help or a meal to someone in need, but I'm just flat out too chicken shit to do it. I'm terrified that I would put myself out there and offer to buy someone dinner and then they'd show up with a knife and stab me for my $20. It's rather sad when you think about it, but it's true....I'm terrified that I'd be killed rather than spend an enjoyable evening at dinner with a stranger.

Am I the only one out there who doesn't think it's such a good idea to offer a meal to a random person on a website? Do I have unrealistic fears of stabbing deaths when people aren't all bad? (Or is it that they'd shoot me not stab me, I mean, come on, it is almost 2011).

I just don't see the most good in people anymore. I see mostly bad. And it saddens me.

Stinky feet and facebook defriendings

2010-12-21T14:12:00.000-06:00

So I thought today it might be best to get back to my normal blog radnomness than to keep it down and sad anymore.

So....stinky feet.

I hate it when you pull your shoes off to either sit on your feet, or prop your feet up on the box of unused paper that you keep under your desk and you smell feet. My feet aren't seriously stinky, but apparently in this one pair of shoes, they are leaving a stinch. What is up with that? I'm guessing it has more to do with the type of fabric in the shoe than my actual feet because well, everything about me always smells lovely.

Facebook defriending -- I'm making it my mission to clean up my facebook and a large part of that is defriending people. Sure, it could be seen as cruel and like I'm heartless but I think more than anything else it's simply what it is -- a clean up. There are friends that I went to high school with that I haven't actually seen in person since high school -- do we really need to be facebook friends? Probably not. And there are people that I just don't care to have access to my life anymore. I mean, really, what's the point?

So if you got defriended...sorry. Maybe send me a message and we can re-connect.

thats because you're alive....

2010-12-18T08:32:00.001-06:00

So in a totally dumb move, I rented and watched Charlie St. Cloud yesterday. I had read the book because I'm a total sucker for a good, sad book. And it came through. Although, the ending does help the sadness some and you feel good after you read it.

In the movie, there was a line that I don't necessarily remember from the book:
"I hurt as bad as the day you died"
"That's because you're alive"

Oh how true those words are. I know that my loved ones are in a much better place than they were when they were here. I know that my loved ones were in pain when they were still in this life and that their passing was truly a blessing. But I'm not naive and I know that's not always the case. I know that sometimes people die for no reason whatsoever. Or the reason doesn't come to us right away. There are devastating car accidents. Unexplained deaths in the night. And diseases and circumstances that take our loved ones way too soon at tender ages. But this line really hit home with me. "that's because you're alive". It's bittersweet, isn't it? Sweet because you get to continue your life. You are here to live on and we all have those moments of wanting to change and be a better person because we don't want our loved ones death to be in vain. we have such grand notions of how we're going to change our lives for them. In memory of them. And bitter, oh so bitter, because we have to continue our lives without them. We have to carry on. Because, after all, we are still here. We put on brave faces and tell ourselves that we were given a second chance, a blessing to still be here when the same thing could have and might eventually happen to us. But it doesn't make it any better. Sometimes, we want to be the one who passed instead.

I felt that way a lot after Preston died. Not because I'm ready to leave this life or my loved ones but because my heart hurt knowing that I had experienced things that he hadn't. That he should have. An everlasting love. A best friend to call my own. A husband. I know Preston was loved and loved, but I wish so much that he could have experienced the love of another that way that I have for the past 6 years. (10 if we're being honest).

But he's gone. And I'm here. My grandfather is gone and I'm here. My aunt is gone and I'm here. My sweet, sweet baby nephew is gone and I'm here.

And as I'm writing this, my dear friend Colleen is praying for her mom's suffering to end and for her to pass peacefully sometime today. The day of her deceased father's birthday. He would have been 55. There are no words to describe how badly I wish I could take this pain from her. There are no words I can give her because I've never lost a parent and now she's about to lose her only parent. How is that even fair?

And I know that my best friend is silently suffering and not telling anyone because I know her and I know that this Christmas marks the 6 year anniversary of her step-father's passing. There are no words I can give her either other than to tell her that she's still here. We're still here.

Take this holiday season to tell the ones you love how much you love them. You just never know when their last breath is going to come. You never know the regrets you might feel if you don't. And as for the ones we love that are no longer here with us, remember that it hurts this bad because we're still alive. We're here. We should do nothing less than make the best of our time here and cherish their memory. Live for them instead of in spite of. Treasure the fact that we're still here. Treasure this chance we've been given to continue on. Even though the sting is sometimes too much to bear, we have to because it'd be a slap in their face to not treasure every minute of this life.

So to my faithful followers, I love you. I love that you are always there for me when I need you and that you have become the best parts of my life. You mean the world to me and I'm here for you no matter what happens.

“The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.”
-Mitch Albom

taxes...taxes...taxes....

2010-12-17T10:47:00.000-06:00

let's talk about this tax thing.....so they extended the tax breaks for another two years. Or at least, it looks like that is what is going to happen because both the House and the Senate approved the bill. Hmm. Let's think about this. We're trillions of dollars in debt. We owe more money than we can possibly imagine to China, and we're going to bitch about taxes? Really? Especially when the issue here is that the tax breaks would have remained in place for most middle class Americans and really would have only been raised for the wealthiest of the wealthy? Hmm. I just can't wrap my brain around how this makes sense.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to pay higher taxes anymore than the next guy, but I also don't want to have to learn Chinese and pray that China doesn't come over here and kick our arses. Plus, okay, I'm kind of of the mindset that if you make more money than God, you should pay taxes that are suitable to your income. I get taxed based on my income so why shouldn't they have to pay similar amounts based on the insane amount of money that they make? Seems totally legit to me.

I tell ya, if I were a politician, I'd do such a better job. I think our leaders are lacking very simple common sense. I know that they say they're "looking out for their constituents" but what they don't see is that they're going to make the United States fall from her super power status and go below Japan, China, heck maybe even Switzerland! (arbitrary country pick).

Someone please help us. We've lost our way and we're going to pay for it so terribly in the end. It's frightening.

It's not all brusselspourts and rain....

2010-12-14T11:11:00.001-06:00

I feel as if my posts lately have been kind of....well, depressing. I know that mostly they've just been honest. Times are tough sometimes and there's just not much we can do about that.

But, it's not all brusselsprouts and rain in my life. So, here are some good things:

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE
I'm also excited because my sister in law and brother in law are gracing me with ANOTHER baby!!! WOO HOO! Looks like I'll be an Aunt again before I become a mommy....oh well!

I'm excited about Christmas! I don't normally get too excited about this holiday, but for some reason, this year i'm excited. I even over decorated even though nobody has been over to see it.
I'm excited about baby Poppy! I'm so glad that Poppy is sticking around and hope that he/she is born on June 11!
I'm excited that my nephew by choice, Joseph James is growing up so quickly and so healthy! He's a pure delight and I love him!
I'm excited that my best friends have almost been married for 6 months! time flies when you're in love!
I'm excited that my parents were able to take a super fun vacation to Kuaui and came back sounding like they really enjoyed themselves.
I'm excited about all the people who are going to participate in the Big D Climb though my own participation is wavering --I'm not sure how to get through it without Preston being there
I'm excited about 2011 because I'll be finishing up my MBA and might be that much closer to starting a family. (SHH!)
I'm excited about the changes happening in my job place......not sure what direction they're going to head in next, but I'm excited about it!

Even though it seems as though my garden of brusselsprouts is overtaking my life....there are a lot of sun beams and daisies out there too.

"Human beings, vegetables, or cosmic dust - we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible piper."
~Albert Einstein, in The Saturday Evening Post, 26 October 1929

I think I'm just having a hard time hearing my piper.........

Life is short but sweet for certain....

2010-12-13T08:15:00.000-06:00

"celebrate we will for life is short but sweet for certain"

one of my all time favorite songs includes this verse. When I was younger, I knew that it meant I should "eat drink and be merry. for tomorrow we die" (same artist) but as I've gotten older, I've taken it to mean something different. Something more like: you never know when you or someone you love will take their last breath on this earth, so you should enjoy every single minute of time you get with them. Life is too short to dwell on bad things or arguments. We aren't given enough time to show the people we love how much we love them, so we should try to show them every day instead of waiting until their final moments with us. I know this is heading in the Debbie Downer direction, but stay with me.

This past week, my friend Colleen found out that her mom's stomach cancer was flaring up again and at this point, her mom is tired of fighting it. She's tired of being in pain and in hospitals, and she's done. Just flat out done. I don't know how one is supposed to respond to hearing that your mom no longer has the will to fight a terrible, terrible disease. Unforatunately, this hits all too close to home for both Colleen and I as we lost our dear friend Preston barely four months ago. I've known Colleen for several years, but our friendship didn't blossom until well after we met. I consider her a very dear friend and there are days, I'd be lost without her. She is stronger than she thinks she is and a gift to those around her. I know that my words are meaningless at this point, but I'm here and I don't know what more can be done other than that.

My friend Janet contacted me to hear more about Colleen's situation and to express her condolensces. As we began talking, she informed me that some dear friends of hers lost their almost 2 year old daughter the night before. LOST THEIR ALMOST 2 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER THE NIGHT BEFORE. My heart stopped. If onyl for a second, my heart stopped beating and a small piece of it broke. I don't know Janet's friends who are having to endear such a terrible terrible trauma, but I know Janet. And I know that she associates with good, genuine, down to earth people and that if they were hurting, she was hurting. I know that we both know there are no words to describe the heartache we feel for them or for Colleen, but that doesn't mean that we don't try to console them in whatever way possible. I know Janet will be there for her friends because that's the kind of person she is. She stands by you through thick and thin and helps out wherever she can.

It's been almost four months since we lost Preston. I still can't delete his phone number from my phone. I still can't remove his friendship from Facebook. It's like it paralyzes me to think of him not existing. I know he's gone, but it's like having him in my phone or on my Facebook friend list keeps him here, with me. I know that someday I'll get a new phone or something will happen and his number will no longer be there, but I'm just not ready for that day.

I feel like little pieces of my heart keep chipping away with each passing month. And normally, there would be time for healing. I'd be able to sew it back up and heal it before another piece chipped away. So far, that hasn't been true these past 6 or more months. Is it possible for your heart to chip too much? For it to be so broken that it is beyond repair?

"celebrate we will for life is short but sweet for certain"

Be there for the ones you love. No matter what the circumstance. you never know when they're going to need you the most.